Two and a Half...

...and I mean Gavin's age, not the show Two and a Half Men. Not a Charlie Sheen fan (not sure anyone is anymore). Would never blog about his crazy antics.

So, Gavin is officially two and half! I thought this milestone deserved a blog post to update our followers, and of course to serve as my own documentation of this very fun and sometimes challenging age. Gavin is everything a two (and a half) year old is supposed to be, a classic toddler-but-I-want-to-be-big-boy kind of kid.

My last major post about his development was back in May, when he was about two years and three months old. So much has changed in his development since then. And some things have just not changed at all (e.g. potty training efforts, pacifier need - I won't dwell on these things, they are small and unimportant at this moment in our lives).

Gavin's language skills are probably the most notable developmental update. My last post about Gavin, I was so excited that he was speaking in short sentences. Well, now it is multiple sentences. And conversations. We can go back and forth with talking, asking questions to him, he asks questions of us (LOTS of them). It's really quite fun, cute, entertaining and fascinating all at the same time. I love that we can ask him a question about his day and he'll recall it for us. "Gavin, what did you and Dadda do today?" He'll answer by spouting off all of the fun and interesting highlights of the day. And you can see the wheels turning as he recalls the events of the day. I love that look of concentration and then excitement when he recalls and is able to share his stories.

And his memory is just impeccable. We were in Traverse City for work this past week. I met up with my boys for lunch at a restaurant that we go to quite often. The restaurant has a lot of fish and boating "stuff" hanging in various spots. The last time we were at this restaurant (a few weeks) ago, we sat at a booth that had a boat motor hanging from the ceiling. Brad must have casually said something silly to Gavin about how the motor was going to fall on Momma. Well, three weeks later, we sat in the same booth. First thing Gavin says "that boat motor is going to fall on Momma". Brad and I looked at each other, me not even remembering that we had joked about a few weeks earlier, Brad reminding me. Geesh, this kid soaks everything up! He does this all of the time - not talking about motors falling on me - recalling things he was told once, casually, and repeating it many days or weeks later. Nothing slips by.

Everyone talks about the terrible twos. I don't know, I just don't see it. Yes, we have our moments, mainly times when Gavin is insistent on showing his big boy skills, but really it's just a joy. He definitely has a bit of a hyperactive, on the go tendency. But I think all boys this age exhibit these traits. I'm not worried. I think it is natural that in situations when we expect him to act like we do, he just doesn't have the skills or experience or interest to do so. Classic example is attending mass each week. It's the LONGEST hour of this kid's life! But we do our best to balance the whole "don't over react" with "don't let him get away with too much naughtiness and disrupt the entire church". Thankfully, our church is filled with young families working on that same exact balance. And God understands, I'm sure he understands, right? It is a bit funny to watch the difference in toddler girls and boys at church. So many times, the little girls sit quietly, engaged in their little toys and books...while the boys (mine included) fly from one thing to the next, never quite satisfied with the few little toys mom and dad let them have...and loudly displaying the little trinkets.

Two other major things I've noticed the past couple of weeks, as we transitioned to two-and-a-half. 1) Gavin adds names to the end of nearly every statement or question, or sometimes the beginning. Regardless, the statement is clearly always directed at someone. And always requires acknowledgement, or it will be re-asked several times. 2) it's a major question stage. "What's that Momma?" . Everything is "what's that", even when he knows the answer. I love the inquisitive nature of a toddler, learning through their parents.

I suppose a third major observance would be story recalling. Gavin can recite his favorite books. Funny that he even wants us to read them to him anymore, because he can rattle off the stories himself. He's still very much into trucks and loves his Tonka books from Uncle Andy and Aunt Karen - best gift ever I think.

His annunciation is getting very good as well. My last post updating on Gavin's development had me phonetically typing how he says words. Now, he pretty much has the words nailed. With a few, cute toddler-dialect exceptions. I love how he says "yellow" - "ew-oooh". The "l's" are a little difficult in certain words.

And he still loves his Disney movies. In fact, we're contemplating taking a Disney cruise this fall...we really need a family vacation! I get excited thinking about how he'll react to meeting his favorite characters. And I like the cruise idea, because he's just too little to enjoy all that Disney World/Land has to offer. Some day, we will definitely take him on that vacation, too. Still a bit of a struggle with the guilty feelings I've blogged so much about. Really, we shouldn't be able to go on a cruise. And so very bittersweet, given it would be our first family vacation since Grace was born. And she can't go with us. It feels so incomplete. But we know that our life needs to go on, as changed and "new normal" as it may be. And I think we would still be able to find very good moments of fun if we do decide to go. We'll see.

Speaking of going on vacation, I mentioned this to an acquaintance recently. She replied by saying "you just got back from a leave from work, do you really need more time off?" Seriously! My time away from work was not a vacation. In fact, it was the farthest thing from one. I'd have given anything to not need that time off in the way I took it. To have had a normal pregnancy, a health living baby. To have used all of my vacation time (that I spent well over a year accruing thinking I would need it to extend my maternity leave). So, if you ever encounter someone in a similar situation to mine, please don't say this to them. While I'm sure it was said not really knowing how it came out, it was not good. I'm sure I could go on and on about the things people say that they shouldn't. Or the things that they don't say that they should. I try to be understanding, knowing that it's often awkward for people to know what to say or do. And here I am judging them...I know, I need to work on this. Add it to the list of my imperfections.

So, Gavin is just thriving. I don't really have any growth updates, given he hasn't been to the doctor since his two year well child. I'd guess he's grown a few inches and probably put on some weight, though he is still a SKINNY kid. I'm just praying that he says on the growth chart for weight, it was a big accomplishment at two years! His appetite is still much improved vs. a year ago. But he is just one of those kids who would rather be playing than taking the time to sit down and eat. Though, he has started to tell us when he is feeling hungry...a sensation I would have otherwise thought he was born without! He does not get that from me...unfortunately!

Gavin, we love you oh so much. Thank you for being you and for bringing such endless joy to our lives!

Here are a couple recent photos to visually document 30 months of life. Blueberry picking and hiding under the dining room table. Love this kid!

Fitness Woes

I'll start by saying that I know most of what I have to say tonight is really not rational. I get it. You'll all have comments about how absurd it is. But in all reality, many of my feelings lately may not be rational or justified - it is, however, how I feel. Really, I've been thinking about this so much lately, I'm hoping that blogging about it will ease some of my frustration. Writing has that effect on me. So, here I go...

My name is Erica. (Hi Erica.) I am not in shape.

I've historically been one of those people who didn't need to worry about being in shape, losing weight, or watching what I eat. I've been blessed with a combination of good genes (I come from little people) and a dedication to good eating and a love for running. Not the case lately. So, you're probably thinking "why are you being so hard on yourself, you just had a baby." "The baby weight will come off with time." "It took 9 months (I suppose more like 8ish months in my case) to put on the weight, it will take just as long to get it off."

Well, I'm 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (15 over my pre-Gavin weight) and it is KILLING me. I can't really rationalize why I'm so upset about it, but I have a few thoughts...

First of all, after my first pregnancy, losing weight and getting back into shape was so easy. Really, it was effortless. I don't know if it is because I was two years younger than I am now. Or that I had the wonderful privilege of breastfeeding for many months (it really does help you lose weight, among other enchanting benefits...gosh, I could go on for hours about how much I miss this opportunity with Grace). Probably a combo of both. Combined with the fact that I was in better shape going into having Gavin than Grace. I was able to run up until nearly 39 weeks pregnant with Gavin; not possible with Grace.

So, I suppose it's a combination of all of the above that led to my super speedy get-back-in-shape experience after having Gavin. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within about 8 weeks. Granted, my abs would never be the same (you moms out there can relate I'm sure).

I remember vividly my first run after having Gavin. I was six weeks post-partum, had just gotten the a-okay from my doctor to resume exercise and running. So, I went for a leisurely 4 mile jog with Gavin in the BOB jogging stroller (with infant seat adjuster-thingy). 4 miles, are you insane? 4 miles to me right now is like a marathon. I do remember feeling a bit floppy and having a new-found appreciation for how much your abs help you to run in good form. But I didn't struggle nearly as much as I have these past several weeks.

After having Grace, I was given the go-ahead to resume running at my 3 week postpartum appointment. My incision was healed, I was regaining energy, so it seemed like I was ready. Brad, Gavin (in the BOB) and I headed out for a three mile jog (a jog, really, not a "run"). It felt okay. We ran/walked the mileage very slowly. I couldn't help but think how badly I wished that we were pushing the double BOB that we'd researched in anticipation of adding a second child to our family. That massive monstrosity of a stroller. I've never wished for spending $600 as badly as I have with that stroller. Or as badly as I have for all of the other purchases we would have had to make with another little one. Instead, our garage continues to house just the single BOB. And our bank account is $600 richer. $600 I wish I didn't have.

Anyway, enter two days after this first run. Just taking a nice easy walk around the neighborhood to return a casserole dish to a neighbor and to visit the playground...chatting away with Brad, pulling the wagon with Gavin. And all of the sudden, I hit the ground, in excruciating agony. I'd encountered a very, VERY, unglamorous fall. Not sure to this day what happened because it all went so quickly. I think the crack in the curb must have turned into a massive valley or hole. There I was on the ground, 10/10 on the pain scale with a rolled ankle and abraised knee. My foot swelled to about two-times it's normal size, bruised, and was difficult to walk on for several weeks. Actually, it still hurts to this day. Of course, not as badly as the couple of weeks following my show-stopping performance and subsequent walk-of-shame back home. All the while listening to Gavin tell me how "momma went bungas" (our word for falling). He still talks about it to this day, thanks in part to my lovely husband who finds it funny to keep Gavin going about how glamorous my fall was. Haha, oh so funny.

So, post-baby, post-sprained foot...all the while dealing with a nagging neck problem that stems from being on bed rest on the lovely hospital bed/pillows. Still going to PT for the neck thing. Gosh, could this be any more difficult trying to get back into running and ultimately back into shape?

Then there's the emotional aspect eating away at me. So, most postpartum women have the luxury of actually having a baby to hold and to love. And to bring with them out in public. I don't have that. I think after having Gavin, half of the reason I didn't think that I needed to lose weight or that it was okay that I was still out of shape came from the fact that I had this wonderful "prize" after going through pregnancy and all of the accompanying body changes. I don't have that now. I have no physical reminder that I had a baby, except a scar. No baby to hold. My prize at the end of all of this is not with me. I don't get to go grocery shopping or out running errands with a baby in tow. When people see me out and about, there is no sign to them that I am a new mom. No thought of "oh, she's a little over weight and pudgy because she just had a baby." No comments or thoughts of "well, actually, she looks pretty good for just having had a baby." People don't see this. They just see me...empty handed. No idea that I just delivered a baby 10 weeks ago. No excuse for looking the way that I do.

Maybe that is why I am being extra hard on myself - I don't have a baby, therefore I should not look like I just had one.

So, I'm hoping to be able to run the Grand Rapids half marathon in October. It's one of my "I want to do this, but I feel guilty about it" things. In all reality, I shouldn't even be able to run it. If I'd carried to term, there would be no way I'd fit in the 16 week training schedule. I'm only able to fit it in because of all of these circumstances that I'd give anything to not be dealing with right now.

Running this race is going to be a stretch, as I'm finding out. I didn't spring right back into running like I did after having Gavin. My longest run thus far is a measly 5 miles. It's taken me several weeks just to get to that mileage. Last year this time, I was training for a full marathon. 5 miles was a walk in the park. Now it feels like a marathon.

I suppose on the up side, it is getting a bit easier to run. I've had a couple of runs this week that just felt really good. If only mother nature would cooperate a bit more and end the madness with her 90 degree heat/humidity stretch she is so graciously blessing us with.

And I did lose 3 pounds in the past few weeks. So, that's a positive. But I'm still two clothing sizes larger than I was prior to being pregnant. And I want so badly to pull out those smaller sizes from my closet. And retire the newly purchased larger clothing that I had to buy in order to go back to work. Some of my pre-pregnancy clothes still fit, but definitely more snugly than before.

I really want to make it to the start line, and ultimately the finish line, at this race. I will be oh so critical of myself if I don't. Crazy, because at the same time I say this, I think to myself how I shouldn't be doing it. Mixed feelings. Guilty feelings. My new normal. Instead of pushing that double stroller, I'm going to strive to run this race in honor of my daughter. I'm going to "Race for Grace" and hope that she grants me the grace to do this. That she'll lone me her angel wings to breeze through the 13.1 mile physical and emotional struggle.

I'd give anything to see her at the finish line, like I did Gavin three years ago at the end of this very same race. I'll have to settle for knowing that she's there cheering for me from above. Along with her Grandpa, who, too, would be there on the sidelines rooting for Brad and me.

So, what can I say...this fitness thing is not easy right now. I'm trying, but it's a struggle.