Today was the big race! I've been training since mid-June for the Grand Rapids half marathon. It's been a tough journey, as I've blogged before, with the struggles of getting back into shape all the while dealing with the physical and emotional healing we're working on.
From a physical perspective, it's been challenging - I stopped running all together the very beginning of February when I was 15 weeks pregnant with Grace, after our world was rocked with news no parent expects to hear. Then bed rest and being hospitalized in mid April. Needless to say, my usually fit self spiraled into a very different "Erica", one focused intently on that small hope that putting myself second, and my daughter first, would possibly result in her growing up in the Clark household. We all know how that didn't transpire.
So, I went from February through May without running, exercising, or even really doing much of anything from a physical perspective. Then I had major surgery (a c-section) and all of the physical healing from that. The icing on the cake came just a week after finally getting back into running after my three week postpartum appointment - my very glamorous foot sprain and subsequent months of healing, all the while still trying to run and train for today's race. And, oh wait, a double load of icing that I almost forgot about - my lingering neck/shoulder injury from being in the hospital. Enter seven weeks of physical therapy to heal that (I think I can say I'm finally healed from that, yippy!) And probably the last layer of icing - I've also been struggling with emotional fatigue carrying over into physical fatigue.
A huge challenge physically. This is not Erica. This is not the healthy-as-can-be, only-go-to-the-doctor-once-a-year-for-a-physical person I used to be. This year has been very far from my normal.
On the emotional side, as I just mentioned, I'm finding that grieving is very exhausting. I lack energy. It's been a struggle to get out the door for most of my runs these past few months. And then when I do get out the door, either my physical fatigue or my mind racing with thoughts of Grace and Mark and all that this year has brought us, brings me down. From a positive perspective, I've always loved running for it's ability to clear my mind. In fact, I've been an avid runner more for the mental health it provides me than the physical health, though both are good. But at times on my runs, I find myself giving up too easily...not attacking that hill with all I have. Instead, I might walk the hill. Or slow down a bit when my mind gets the best of me. So, my emotional state has effected my athletic ability. But it's probably a trade off for having some "me" time (something, too, that I've always loved about running) and confronting my thoughts. And from what I've read, grieving really can cause physical fatigue, so I suppose I'm not weird for experiencing this.
I also, from a physical perspective, had weight to lose. I've blogged previously about my thoughts on this, so I won't rehash. Let's just say, I've never been faced with having to lose weight and it's been a challenge. But, I have lost all but four-ish pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been combining running with a pseudo diet - really just watching calories and portion sizes. Fortunately, through all of this, I've still remained within a healthy BMI, even at my heaviest (well, my non-pregnancy heaviest). I'd still like to lose the remaining four pounds, and then maybe even another five to ten. We'll see.
One thing that's been bittersweet this training season has been visiting Grace on my long runs. When I started back to running in mid June, my long runs were a measly 4 miles. I knew that when I made it to 10 or more miles, I would be within a distance that would allow me to run through the cemetery to visit Grace. I was looking forward to this little goal. Until the day I finally reached that mileage last month. Don't get me wrong, I love to visit her, spend time with her, enjoy the serenity that I've found in her home. But on that morning, I ran and I cried when I turned into the driveway of the cemetery. I kept thinking how stupid it was that I was there, that I had looked forward to this goal. Who looks forward to visiting their dead child? She shouldn't be dead. She should be living in our house, where I don't have to run or get in a car or ride a bike to visit her. I very much HATED it at that moment (and at many moments). I broke down when I made it to her grave site. Such guilt that her mother has to travel five miles to see her. Such guilt that I shouldn't even be training for this race because I should be preoccupied with caring for her and her brother, and balancing two kids, a marriage, work and life in general. I shouldn't be doing this. I apologized heavily that day to Grace for my failures to her. And I know that you're all thinking right now that I didn't fail her, that this was all out of my control. It was, you're right. But it doesn't make it any easier. And I still feel guilt and hurt over the circumstances - maybe more so because it was out of my control.
Amid the physical and emotional fatigue, I pulled myself together to get through 16 weeks of training, starting out very slowly (VERY SLOWLY). It was frustrating, but I'm glad I had the half marathon as my goal. I've always done well with running when I have a goal in mind.
Today, Brad and I embarked on the race. I was nervous going into it. And I knew that I would not set a personal best today. And I even told myself that it would be okay if I needed to walk off and on during the race. I was okay with that. I just wanted to finish. Brad also has been struggling a bit with training, though he did have a major success with his first half Ironman race earlier this summer - a huge accomplishment (and he may be aiming for a full Ironman next summer, whoa!). So, we entered the morning pseudo-excited, knowing that today was the day we'd set as a goal, but also knowing that it would not be our supremo running event. We were okay with that.
It ended up being a great morning for a run. It was raining up until the start of the race, really perfect timing. It was a nice cool, cloudy run (my favorite weather for racing). No wind like we had yesterday, thankfully, as I do not enjoy running in intense wind. I'm okay with rain, but not windy rain. I ran a comfortable pace, and - as I suspected - did have to walk a handful of times starting around mile 9. I was at peace with that decision. I also lost some time waiting for a port-a-potty at mile 5. I usually don't have to stop during a race, but let's just say something about having babies affects your bladder (TMI, sorry). I had to wait about six minutes for a stall (that was DISGUSTINGLY smelly BTW). But it was worth the wait - and smell - to assure a comfortable race.
The race took me 2 hours, 21 minutes, and 6 seconds. And if you subtract my six minute bathroom break, it was closer to 2 hours and 15 minutes. Again, not near a PR, but very much expected. I had mixed feelings about the race all during my training, but in the end, I'm glad that I did it. It provided me a nice goal and some fitness and weight loss as well. And I think, though difficult, it's provided some level of help with emotional healing. I thought a lot about Grace and Mark today while I ran. And how really very fortunate I am to be able to run, to breath deeply with each stride. It's a reminder that I'm very blessed, amid the tragedy.
Here are some photos from today. Brad and I had matching tee-shirts made. Today, we raced for Grace.
Pre-race shirt shot
This is a less than glamorous photo just before the finish line. Yes, it's there! It's there! I hate photos like this because they always look like I'm not even running. Like I'm some variety of a sloth. Well, I was running. Not very fast. But I was running.
Again, less than glamorous (all post-race photos are). But I like our cute shirts! And my medal!
Typical toddler...need I say more!
