An Angel's First Birthday

Our "Day of Grace"...

I took the day off from work and we headed to the cemetery with our day planned - flowers, picnic, reflecting, etc.  We started the day off a little rocky - Grace decided to play a trick on us.  A month ago or so, I spent a good deal of time picking out the perfect Mylar balloons for Grace.  I had a beautiful huge butterfly and a cute pink first birthday balloon.  Got them filled with helium Thursday morning - while trying to avoid the small talk with the woman helping me at the dollar store. "Is it your daughter's birthday?" "Yup."  Enough said, she's not in the "inner circle" - and headed home to pack the car.  I didn't get a weight on the balloons because we were planning to tie them to a vase at Grace's place.  Darn, with hindsight I would have gotten the weight.  

I went inside to finish packing the picnic basket, didn't think to tell Brad "hey the balloons don't have a weight".  He opens the hatch of our SUV (balloons were near the front), walks away (on a windy morning), turns back to put some gardening stuff in the car...and sure enough, those beautiful, planned out balloons were making their ascension to heaven.  It sounds very symbolic with hindsight, but in the moment I was so absolutely devastated.  Is it not enough that my daughter is dead?  That we're celebrating our dead daughter's birthday?  Now the balloons, one of the very few things I can do for her, are gone as well.  And I didn't even get to see the lovely things floating up gracefully to the clouds - Brad and Gavin witnessed the whole thing and then Brad was mortified to have to come inside to tell me.  

I lost it, nearly had an anxiety attack...over balloons.  But they symbolize so much more than just some Mylar material with helium inside.  They were my gift to Grace.  Gavin was devastated, bawling hysterically that the balloons had gone up to heaven.  That "we need to grow really big to reach them" and "we need a really big ladder to get them, can we get them?"  Repeated, over and over again with tears streaming down his cheeks.  And then he was confused because he knew that we were bringing them to Grace at the cemetery, but then realized that they were going to Grace up in heaven.  He started to talk as if there were two Grace's and it was the first time I realized that our little three year old was confused about death, even though we talk about it a lot in our house - that our bodies remain in the ground (where people can come to visit and remember us), but our souls go up to heaven.  It made for a good opportunity to reiterate the difference between body and soul.

Now that I look back on it, I REALLY do think and believe that Grace wanted those balloons.  I think she sent that gust of wind.  I picture her up there, toddling around (Gavin took his first steps a week before he turned one) holding onto those balloons, giggling and admiring them.  

So, when I collected myself after my devastation, we made our way to the cemetery (balloon-less) - thank goodness my very good friend Elizabeth had made it there before us to decorate...and what did she bring?  Well, a butterfly balloon of course!  And we went later in the day to get another one, mainly because Gavin was really looking forward to bringing it to his sister.  Gosh, that Elizabeth.  She brought all kinds of decorations - and she always has just the perfect card and things to say.  I love that girl, like the sister I never had!  I think she missed her calling as a Hallmark writer or crisis counselor or something...she's been such a rock for me the past year+.

Okay, Erica, five paragraphs about the balloons, would you move on already?  Okay...

What a beautiful day it was!  Sunny, with a nice breeze (well gusty at times, but it made the hot sunshine more tolerable).  We had a lovely time planting flowers from friends and family who wanted to contribute to Grace's garden.  Again, there are very few things we can do for Grace.  The three-ish foot diameter area around her tree is the one place we can be creative and show our love.  We'd been planning the layout since last year, knowing that we'd want to make a tradition of planting and caring for flowers for Grace each year.  And since her birthday is in the spring, it is the perfect time for planting flowers, something I really enjoy doing, particularly with my daughter by my side (in spirit).

I couldn't help but think back to a year ago while I watched Gavin fill the flower beds with dirt.  At Grace's burial, he stood there with a shovel bigger than him placing scoops of dirt over his sister's casket - I had a flashback, one that is extremely difficult to live with.

We packed a yummy picnic lunch complete with birthday cupcakes.  My parents and Elizabeth joined us for planting and eating.  And the three of us stayed a bit longer, reflecting...

We decided to spend the rest of the afternoon/evening in Grand Haven strolling the boardwalk and pier (avoiding the very cold Lake Michigan water that I'm sure Gavin would have waded in without even realizing it was 57 degrees).  We visited a great playground.  And had dinner overlooking the channel.  It was low key and very nice, given the unique circumstances of this particular birthday.  We passed other families along the way...some with a little boy and a little girl.  It makes me choke up a bit.  I just pray that these families realize what a blessing they have.  It's easy to take it all for granted.  I'd give anything just to have even one day a year, one hour none-the-less, that we're all together...just a day...just an hour...and these other families get EVERY day and EVERY hour together.  I suppose you don't know what you have until it is gone.

We came back to GR, dropped off the replacement balloon (oops, I'm talking about the balloons again), said goodnight to our birthday angel and headed home...the three of us.  I logged on to Facebook and email to find so many messages of love and encouragement.  Thank you to each of you who where thinking of us.  And to those who sent a card - each and every one was so very beautiful - or even a gift, so thoughtful.  And I suppose I even thank those of you who said not a word to us (or maybe even purposefully avoided us) - I know that some of you find it very difficult to find the right words, or maybe you didn't even know it was Grace's birthday (I forget that others haven't been counting down the days like I have, reliving every moment from a year ago).  I know it's challenging to know what to say in such an awkward situation.  Or maybe you think since it's been a year we're "over" it.  We must be.  Maybe you'll find the words someday.  

We'll wrap up the birthday weekend reflecting with a mass for Grace at our parish's Saturday evening mass.  The last time her name was said at mass was the weekend following her death - a petition for those in the parish who had died that week.  It was at that mass that we sang "You Were Mine", I lost it and still do whenever I hear that hymn.  And I imagine they may play Amazing Grace this weekend, given the Memorial Day holiday.  I'll be thinking of nothing but my little angel.

So, happy birthday my dear.  I love you to the moon and back...

Happy Birthday Angel Grace!

366 Days

I almost typed 365, but then remembered it's a leap year.

366 days I've lived without you Grace.  366 days during which I probably thought about you more than 366 times in each day.  On my way to work, on my way home, throughout the day, at 4am when I should probably still be getting up to feed you (if you were like your brother, at least, at this age), on the weekends when you should be with us on our family outings.  You're a constant thought in my mind and my heart.  Exit 28.  In the past 366 days, I have not passed that on my way home without thinking about you and getting that - what's become my new normal - lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.  That's your exit, the way to your cemetery.  I pass it everyday on my way home from work and think of you, at times pulling off because the magnetic force is calling me to visit you.

Reflecting - in many ways, I've come so far.  In other ways I'm very much the same numb person I was when you left this world.  I long for the moments that someone, anyone, will mention you and talk with me about you.  It doesn't happen often.  And I probably scare people off when they do ask with tears filling my eyes - not that they always do when I talk about you - but usually they do mainly because I'm so proud to talk about you.  Most parents get to share exciting developmental updates about their kids with friends or coworkers who ask.  Or their complaints.  I suppose I don't have either, so it doesn't make for good conversation.  Then, there are the awkward moments when someone outside of the inner circle unknowingly asks about my kids.  I love to share that I have two children, one living and one waiting to be reunited one day.  I get one of two reactions - either they can relate because they too have experienced a loss (the minority react in this fashion) or it just makes them uncomfortable, so they give me a glimmer of sad face and then change the subject, as if I just told them I had a spoiled sandwich for lunch.  No biggie, just move on.  So, I've come to a keener sense of with whom and when I can speak of you.  Of with whom and when your life will be honored and dignified...and I avoid talk of my children with the others.  But I cringe every time I do it, thinking you will think I don't love you enough to share your life with them.  That I'm ashamed.  I'm not at all Grace.

Many things have been therapeutic over the past year.  It's those same car rides that bring the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes that have also been a great comfort.  I spend the majority of a typical day happy and focused.  It's good for me to have those few moments, my driving time primarily, that I can spend alone and thinking.  Maybe playing some good soothing 80's on 8 music in the background (enter Peter Cetera....).  And running provides those moments as well, though I'm not training for any big running event right now like I typically would be (or would have just finished), given your dad is training for an Ironman.  So, not a ton of running reflection lately at least. 

It's been good having supportive friends and family.  And particularly those who not only tell you they care, but act it out, even in very small and simple ways.  You know who you are - thank you for taking the time to care so much.

Mother's Day was a challenge this year.  I didn't blog about it - not at all because I don't like being a mother, I absolutely do.  It just wasn't complete without Grace.  I very much enjoyed my time with Gavin, but there was a definite missing piece.  I looked back on my blog from last Mother's Day, when I was in the hospital.  While I dreaded being away from home and longed to be with Brad and Gavin, there was something so special about that Mother's Day.  I had both of my children - I'll never have that again here on Earth. 

So, on your Birthday Eve, Grace, I'm thinking about you a lot.  I'm thinking about what a milestone birthday this would have been for you.  What a milestone it feels like in our grief journey.  For the past several months, I've reflected on what I was doing a year ago.  The roller coaster, the emotions, ups and downs, hope and failure.  It's hard to believe it has been a year - many times it feels like just yesterday.  The world keeps turning, faster and faster it seems. 

Tonight is my "Debbie Downer" post, I guess.  Tomorrow, on your birthday, I'm hoping to focus more on the good.  We'll be visiting with you, planting flowers around your tree, having a picnic by your side.  It will be a day of remembering, honoring and reflecting.  I know you'll be with us in spirit.  We love you Gracie!

Toad!

After the rain tonight, we found this little guy...

Toddler Transitions

This will be a quick post.  I've been reflecting on big steps that Gavin is making recently, and wanted to document them on my virtual baby book (well, the blog's not just a baby book I suppose, it's my venting board as well!).

Potty training - boy, we're turning a corner!  Accidents are getting less and less frequent; in fact, rare would be a good descriptor.  Gavin is consistently using the potty, asking to use the potty (instead of us having to ask and remind him several times per day).  He is getting better at "holding it" until we're at the potty, which sometimes can be a 10 minute car ride away.  And at night, he is almost always dry now (95% of nights).  It's not a struggle to get him to the potty any longer.  And he is getting better about re-dressing himself post-duty (a major step to being ready for preschool in the fall).

Speaking of preschool - we've enrolled him!  Gavin will officially be starting a two day (half days) program in the fall.  Crazy!  We filled out the oodles of paper work earlier this month and sent in our deposit.  He's ready.  I'm excited to see how he blossoms, not that he needs blossoming, but it will be good.  On the playground or outside in our neighborhood, he LOVES to make new friends.  He's such a pleasant little guy!  Runs up to other kids, introduces himself, many times gives hugs (maybe a little creepy, but he's three, right?).  I'm excited to see him make friends at school who he gets to see regularly.  Given he doesn't go to daycare, preschool will be a good social opportunity for him.

And my final thought for this quick post - the pacifier fairy!  She visited!  After our trip to Florida, it was time.  Really, it was probably time a year or more ago but we had other things going on that were more important than a silly pacifier.  We knew the time would be good - no major events or trips planned when he might want his "bye" extra (this is what he's called his pacifier since he first started talking).  I've heard horror stories of other parents who finally took their children's paci's away.  We planned ahead.  The day after getting back from Florida, we began to tell Gavin that a pacifier fairy would be coming soon for his "bye's".  She would be bringing them to littler babies who needed them more.  Gavin quickly decided that the fairy was Tinkerbell.  So, we went with it.  I guess part of me liked the idea of Tinkerbell since I don't have a daughter to overplay the princesses and fairies with - gosh, wish I did - so, Tinkerbell it was. 

We spent a couple of weeks talking with Gavin about how Tink would be coming to take the "bye's" at night and that maybe she would leave a little surprise for him in exchange.  He had lots of ideas about what the surprise would be (mainly various different Thomas and Friends trains).  The night came when we put all the "bye's" in his nightstand...and the next morning, Gavin discovered "Ferdinand" the train in his drawer.  His first day at nap time, he was quite upset with Brad, saying he wanted to be little and have his bye again.  He didn't want to be a big boy.  He wanted Tink to take Ferdinand back to Meijer (he knows that all things come from Meijer...or Costco, the "big Meijer").  That nap was the only time he got really upset.  That evening and all evenings to follow, he doesn't even mention his "bye's".  Overall, it went very smoothly!  And to think I was dreading taking this little comfort away from my big boy!

Gosh, the past few months have been filled with such transitions - from little to big.  A big boy bed, expanded conversational and social skills, potty training, talk of preschool, good-bye "bye", more and more independence and learning.  I'm loving it, but also missing so many things about the baby and toddler stages.  These fleeting days go by so quickly.  But our love for Gav just grows, I suppose, with each quickly passing moment.

March For Grace

March of Dimes is holding their annual March for Babies walk on Saturday April 28. Brad and I are putting a team together. We invite you, our blog followers, to walk with us, make a donation, or both.

I've put together a webpage with details on the walk and how to donate. Visit here.

April 28, 2012
Foremost Insurance
5600 Beechtree
Caledonia, MI 49316

Walk Distance: 3.3 miles
Registration Time: 9:00 AM
Start Time: 10:30 AM
Chapter: Grand Rapids Division
Phone: (616) 247-6861

3 Year Photos

I'm overdue with this post, I know. Better late than never. Here's a sampling of my favorite photos from Gavin's 3 year session the beginning of March...

Florida - Year 8

Can't believe we've been going to our beautiful beach each year for the past eight years now! It's just paradise there and we look forward to our week of relaxation each year. This year was nothing but fab - perfect weather and 99% perfect company. Gavin had a blast. It's fun to see each year how much he advances from the prior year. This year, he was much more independent and much more "trustworthy". He loved running in and out of the ocean. Loved playing in the sand. Loved jumping into the pool all by himself...seems like hundreds of times each day (jumping in like a "submarine" as he called it). Loved spending time with Momma and Dadda and MaeMe and BaPa.

The only thing that would have made it 100% perfect would have been keeping a 10 month old little girl from putting sand in her mouth. That didn't happen.

Here are some fun photos to document this year's trip...

We had to keep with the Easter traditions, even when on vacation for the week preceeding the holiday. Eggs were dyed!

Can you spot our Grace?

We went on an Easter egg hunt at the local Zoological Gardens - Gavin was able to have a couple of birds on his arm/shoulder. He's still talking about how "the blue bird AND the orange bird, they walked right here on my arm (as he points to his arm)".

My favorite part was feeding the flamingos right from our hands! One of the flamingos "Featherstone" (if you've seen Gnomeo and Juliet you know who I'm talking about), thought Gavin's hair was food and gave him a little peck.

3 year photos to be posted soon!

Update Desperately Needed!

Goodness, what has happened to me? Clearly I've been a blogging slacker as of late. Well, I'm going to work on getting things updated. I have three-year photos, Florida vacation update/photos, Easter happenings, and some randomness to get documented. Geesh...

More to come shortly!

Friendship

I've been putting this post together in my head for the past several days and just need to get to it...so here I go. It's random how I've come to wanting to write about this, but it will all come together, so stay with me.

This past week has felt very stressful to me. I think there were a few underlying reasons, and then added ones, too.

We learned two weeks ago that our offer on a new house was accepted! It's a house, and neighborhood, that we've been keeping an eye on for several months now, waiting for the right time to possibly place an offer. It's a bit surreal, but after a week of back and forth between our realtor and the builder, they accepted our offer! So, we'll be closing in the next couple of weeks and listing our house on the market. We won't move likely for a few months, until our house sells. It's all working out quite well, as the builder will be renting from us while he builds his next house. So, with the new home comes extreme excitement thinking of this next phase in our future. It's a beautiful, newly constructed craftsman style ranch with everything we're looking for, including a wonderful neighborhood with close proximity to our favorite park. It's also creating some anxiety - just the thought of the busyness that buying and selling a home brings - packing, moving, a larger mortgage payment, though this is what we've been saving for and working toward - it's all a bit overwhelming to think about at times.

All week, I've been thinking of Grace and the nine month milestone we passed on Friday. I'll frequently check back on the blog to when Gavin was the age that Grace would have been. It was emotional looking back on nine months. It was just after Gavin turned nine months that he started crawling. And he was eating finger foods. And easily maneuvering into a sitting position on his own. Grace would have likely been doing all of those same things...in cute little pink outfits with bows in her hair. On Friday, I had to travel to Detroit for the Michigan Pharmacists Association annual convention - for some CE and also to deliver a presentation. The weather was horrid on Friday morning, so the very long drive and day added some extra stress.

So, back to the title of the post...friendship. Amid the stress, I've come to a deeper realization this week and really over the past year that friends are such a blessing. I've been getting together with a group of high school friends about monthly for the past year or so for dinner. I was reflecting on my drive on Friday about all of them, and certainly other friends, and all that we've been through in the past couple of years. I think getting together with this particular group of gals brings such great comfort, as they can relate to the pain I've experienced in life, my grief and my struggles to "keep going" even when I just don't feel like it. They've been there, too. I'm not sure how among the eight of us, we've all had such hard lessons in life at such a young age.

What brought us all back together a couple of years ago or so was one of our friends who's husband was ill with terminal cancer. Not even thirty yet, and just a dreadful diagnosis and courageous fight for life. Ben's passing hit home for all of us - it could have been any of our husbands who we lost...just when we needed him most, just when our lives together were really getting started. Lindsay is one of the strongest people I know, even though she would never admit it. The rest of the group - there's me, and all of my baggage from the past year, and others who are struggling with other significant life events - an ill parent who's too young to go, fighting against the odds like Brad's dad (stupid, retched cancer), miscarriage, divorce, and most recently a wife who walks hand and hand with her husband as he seeks sobriety and seeing the world in a whole new light.

None of us ever imagined in our care-free days as friends in high school that God would call us to travel these journeys. None of us, as we wed our husbands, would have REALLY taken to heart the vow in "good times and in bad". Life is good, right? Everything is going to be a fairytale. And here we are, at times wishing the world would just stop turning, trying to manage through these very real, not so great experiences. Being strong women. Keeping our families going.

I've really enjoyed having these friends...and so many more than just this group of eight. My support system of family, co-workers and friends are such a blessing. So much so, that I just really wanted to blog about them. To document this point in my life where I can really say it's been nice to have them through the bad times - and the good times. We do a lot of laughing when we're together which is so therapeutic, thanks for that ladies. And here's to hoping that the crappy life events subside a bit and we can regain some normalcy. It would be nice if life was a little more boring at times, huh?

Cheers to good friends!

Three!

Saturday, Gavin turned three! We started the day at the local YMCA for that last class in a series of six weeks - a sports sampler. Gavin has really enjoyed the class and interaction with other little boys his age. Crazy, but today was the only day we took pictures. So, here's my favorite...Gavin walking on the balance beam, picking up tennis balls along the way on the "course" set up by the coach. Gavin has excellent balance, so this activity was right up his alley. He also got exposed to the basics of rock climbing today, though he's too little to "really" climb. Over the past weeks, Gavin has been exposed to soccer, basketball, running (which he's also really good at), hockey, duck-duck-goose, walking like various animals (dinosaur, crab, elephant), and of course today's wrap-up gymnastics/rock climbing. It's been fun!

Busy day...we went right from the Y to final touches before the big party! This year, we opted to buy a cake instead of making our own. I've had a great time the past two years making an extra special cake creation, but this year, I couldn't find just the right Thomas idea. At least one that I felt I could successfully accomplish. Nothing like going to a kids birthday party only to find that the mom went crazy staying up all night and there is no cake to be had. To keep my sanity (what little I have left some days), I decided I was fine with buying the cake. In exchange, I was able to focus more on the food - turned out good, complements 50% to Pinterest.

Here's the cake. It's "okay", not great, but okay...

Gavin's favorite part of a birthday party...BALLOONS! We rarely have them in the house, so they're always a hit when they're here.

It was a Thomas theme...with an angry bird thrown in. We went to a birthday party last week for a friend's daughter who had an angry birds theme. Gavin fell in love with giant red bird balloon, so Elizabeth promised him one for his party. He didn't forget the promise and was ecstatic to have him join him on his birthday!

All grins for the happy birthday song and candle...

And the gifts couldn't come soon enough. So many thanks to our friends and family for your generosity. Gavin loves all of your creative birthday gifts!

So, three. Gosh, can't believe it! Gavin is growing so big in all that he does. He's certainly building his personality and pushing the limits for more and more independence. And just when we think he's too little to do something, he surprises us by accomplishing it. For Christmas, he got a few 25 piece puzzles. We opened one of them a few days after Christmas and forgot that it was open sitting on the floor. Next thing we knew, we turned around and he had it all put together...in a matter of five minutes or so! Who knew he could do it all by himself!

Gavin's creativity seems to grow exponentially lately as well. He reenacts stories and adds fun little twists. He's very into the word "and"...really more like "AND" (major emphasis on the word). Here's how a typical statement flows (actual example from today, after playing the game Mouse Trap, talking about a couple weeks ago when he played it at Brad's aunt and uncle's house...took me a minute to place what he was talking about): "Ava and Lexi chased me up the stairs, AND they took balloons from my hands AND they stuck them to my shirt and hair AND we ran around AND the marble on the game didn't work right"....the story goes on. He really is growing to love playing with his cousins. We got iPhones a month ago or so, so a few nights a week we get a FaceTime request from them. On both ends of the phone, it's all giggles and amazement that they can talk to each other and see each other and run around and still see each other. Gavin finds it quite amusing. We're fortunate to live so close.

Potty training is usually going okay, though the past few days there have been more accidents than normal. Typically, Gavin is able to stay dry all day, though we still put him in a Pull-Up for naps (when he takes them, he's been "playing" through them most of this week). And he doesn't stay dry at night yet. A few nights, but not most. We have our days that using the potty is a struggle. Mainly, I think it is just that sense of independence and not wanting to do what we think he should do just to be different than us. Ah, the joys of toddler power struggles! We learn to pick our battles I suppose.

We go for a three year well child appointment tomorrow morning, so we're anxiously awaiting the update. We haven't had to take Gavin into the doctor at all the past year (quite an accomplishment really! Though we've seen the dentist twice for tooth/mouth injuries.). So we're excited/nervous to see how he's doing. I've blogged about Gavin's history of falling off of the growth chart for weight around one year old, then back to the 3rd percentile at two years (another huge accomplishment). We'll see where he ranks now. He's still generally a skinny kid, but around average height. If only they made 3T length pants in a 24 month waist, we'd be all set!

Gavin's doctor is my primary care physician as well. I haven't seen him (other than bumping into him at a restaurant) since a few days before Grace was born. He cared for me during my entire pregnancy with Gavin and delivered Gavin. He's been my doctor for about 25 years. With all that happened with Grace, I of course was referred to an OB and MFM specialist, so I only saw my PCP once a week or so in the hospital. It's going to be emotional seeing him tomorrow, knowing how much he cares for our family and our well-being. And knowing that he won't get the chance to care for Grace and watch her grow at each well child appointment. She would have been 9 months old this week. Gavin's birthday party would have been so fun with her crawling around!

Anyway, here's to hoping that three is just as fun and rewarding as two. We're very blessed to have our Gavin! Sorry God, you can't have this one!

Our Almost 3 Year Old

Gavin's big boy skills have really been advancing lately. This week, we made valentines for Grace. The heart below was the "body" for an owl made from different size hearts (we copied it from Pinterest, so cute!).

And Gavin started to practice writting his letters on a new reuseable mat we picked up last week. He did pretty good, with little direction. Brad just told him to use the pen to stay in the lines. I think the "S" is my favorite...it looks really nice :)

Big Boy Bed!

We made the transition to the "big boy" bed over the weekend. You can see the excitement in Gavin's face! Tonight is night three and he's doing well. He did realize just today that he can get out of the bed, so we'll see how that transpires in the days to come.

So, the baby crib (that should still be in use) is taken down and stored away, sigh.