A Bittersweet Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving marks Grace's six month birthday. A half year, wow. The things she would have been doing. Last night, I was reminiscing on the blog back to Gavin at six months. Gosh, the things he was doing - starting solid foods, rolling from back to tummy and all over, talking jibberish oooo's and ahhhhh's and mamamama's and such. Smiling. Laughing. Living. Breathing. I can't help but think of the milestones and all that we're missing.

This holiday weekend comes, quite frankly, with a bit of dread. A bit of "what ifs". And a bit of really just anger and resentment. I try to not let the later shine through, but at times it gets the best of me. I just really miss Grace and what could have been. The holidays, being together with family, is a piercing reminder of what's missing.

And it will be just down right weird not having Mark around tomorrow. It just won't be the same without him. Watching the big Lions game, the Clark household abound with loud voices...there will be one loud voice that is noticeably missing. Just not the same.

Last year this time, Brad and I had just found out we were pregnant. We hadn't told our families yet, waiting for a big planned announcement at Christmas. And Mark was in the midst of his first rounds of chemotherapy, not really feeling the greatest, yet very optimistic that he would be with us for at least a few more years. That time just went too fast. I wasn't ready to let go in July. If we could have just had a little more time...

What a downer of a year, huh? I want so badly to focus on the good, and I do that probably 60% of the time, but the sadness is very real and very every day.

I do think how fortunate we were to have at least one day with Grace. We weren't even sure we would get that. And that we could all be together for Mark's last days - truly priceless time. So, amid the tragedy, there are good things and certainly things to be thankful for. This year, I'm thankful for my husband who is an incredible partner and father, my son who is so sweet, silly and just plain loveable, and all of my family and friends. Family and friends who let me cry when I need to, and laugh with me when I need a reprieve from the sadness. Thank goodness for laughing. What a dull world without it!

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving - please remember to be thankful for all that you have, and give your kids an extra squeeze!

Here's our little Native American (not sure that they had Elmo PJ's back then)!

PS - Thanks Brenda for the PJ hand-me-downs. Perfect fit and Gavin loves them :)