Preschooler

The big day!  Today, we became parents of a schooler!  Gavin had his first day of preschool.  It feels like such a big step to have him gone from our house for two half days per week, wondering the entire time what he is doing, how he is feeling.  Did he navigate the potty okay?  Is he being nice to the other kids?  Are they being nice to him?  Is he making friends?  Is he listening?  Is he learning?  I could hardly sleep last night, fixated with all of these questions and more.  Did we plan for the right snack?  What if he doesn't like it and won't eat it and gets really hungry (and subsequently cranky)?

Well, he did just fine.  It is funny, though, to not know 100% what happened (or really even 50% for that matter).  I took the morning off of work, so was able to go with Brad to drop Gavin off and pick him up.  And then to the lunch destination of Gavin's choice (McDonald's, figures!).

During the car ride and while at lunch, Brad and I have a million questions for Gavin about his morning.  Here's a bit of our conversation (I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget):

Me: "Gavin, what did you do today at school?"
Gavin: "Those two girls sat in chairs and they sang lots of songs." (The two "girls" are his teacher and teacher's assistant)
Brad: "What songs did you sing?"
Gavin: "They sang wheels on the bus, twinkle twinkle little star, (pause, thinking) and a song about the potty and bears."  "Mrs. Brand told me to go to the potty."
Me: "Gavin, did any of the kids at school cry?"
Gavin: "No. (pause, thinking) Well, I just cried a little bit.  I said I can't do it, so somebody came in the bathroom and a lady fixed my pants." (here I assume he went to the bathroom fine on his own, but couldn't quite get his shorts adjusted right).
Me: "Gavin, did you eat your snack?"
Gavin: "Yeah, I ate it from my suitcase (his lunch box).  It wasn't gone.  Mrs. Vogel said it wasn't gone."

Just a little snippet of his day!

So, here we are just post-early wake up call (about 6:45am, he usually sleeps until 8:00-8:30am):

 

A few obligatory "first day of school" photos:

 

His back pack is as big as he is.  But he insisted on it.  I'm not sure why, but time really got away from me.  I think it was from all of our travel the week before school.  I was a terrible mom and didn't order the super cute back pack from Amazon on time to get it for Tuesday (darn holiday messing up my Amazon Prime two day shipping).  I felt terrible about it.  We went shopping on Saturday, and this is the best we could find.  He LOVES it because it has skate boards.  But it clearly is not "preschool" size.  He'll be using this thing until college!

The snack that Mrs. Vogel said wasn't gone.  After school, just the grapes were eaten.  Hummm?  Typical Gavin fashion, he's a fruit and veggie lover and usually skips the food with any substantial calories and/or protein.  We'll have to work on new snack ideas.

The walk of fame to the world of big-kidness.

This wall was just screaming "put your preschooler in front of me and take a photo".  So I did.  13 kiddos in total in his class, including a handful of recognized faces from church.

 

Thank you Mrs. Vogel for the family photo.  She and Mrs. Brand have been through this "first day" stuff enough to know that the parents love photos.  And loved lingering for the first 10ish minutes of the day just to make sure our little ones would be okay.  

And since it was raining when we left in the morning, we saved the outdoor photos for after school and lunch.  And I just love that we have this developing landscaping to use as our background now.  (Look how nicely that grass is coming in!  And look at Gavin's goofy hands/face...not sure what he was trying to do!)

 

Okay, that about documents Gavin's experience and our fun time focusing on him and this big developmental milestone.  But I'd be remiss to not include a few of my other thoughts, the ones I tried very hard not to dwell on, but still, truth-be-told, felt today and for the weeks leading up to today...

My baby is growing up.  It's very bittersweet.  What happened to that little baby I used to rock to sleep and get up to feed several times per night?  I think what makes this particularly difficult is that I always envisioned us sending Gavin off to preschool with another little one at home.  I didn't expect to be empty handed when he grew to this point.  I fully intended that Brad would be working hard to juggle dropping off and picking up a toddler from school with another toddler or baby who needed a nap right at the same time, or who was screaming her head off in the car because she was hungry, but needed to wait in order to get big brother.  It should be much more hectic than it is (as crazy as that desire sounds).

We went to the preschool open house last week and most of the families there had another little one with them either toddling around or in a baby carrier.  That should be us.  Instead we awkwardly answer questions about whether Gavin is our first to enter school and if we have any other children.  

I think it's important to talk about Grace with people who are in our "inner circle".  I don't know many of these parents well at this point.  But in all likelihood, Gavin will form friendships with their children that will last for years.  These people very well could be the future of our "inner circle".  They should know about Grace.  Not to mention, Gavin might tell kids at school that he has a sister, or possibly that he has a dead sister or a sister in heaven or at the cemetery.  These words are not easily understood by young children.  Their parents should be "in the know" should they need to discuss it with their kids.  So, we have begun to share Grace with these people.  It feels very raw, like it often does when new people learn about Grace. 

And to be completely honest, it's challenging for me to see other families with their preschooler aged child and then younger children.  It feels unfair.  While I'm glad others don't have to go through what we've been though and are completely naive to the thought of a dead child, I can't help but want what they have.  Not their children, they aren't Grace...but the family that is larger than three.  It's hard to know what God has in store for our future, he's certainly challenged us last year and this year.  His challenges are getting the better of me at times lately, particularly when surrounded by these other completely naive families who know nothing but the joy that having a child can bring.  To them, getting pregnant automatically means another living child.  There is never even a thought that things might not go as planned.  They are completely untouched by the worst pain ever felt.  Not all of them likely, but many.  And no one talks about dead babies, instead the attention is focused on the living, because it much easier to find the right words for doting on living babies.

So, these are my very true emotions.  I don't necessarily like that I feel them, so, like I said, I tried very hard today and in the past few weeks to think mainly of what a big step preschool is for Gavin.  I am REALLY very excited for him.  He is going to love it and do very well, I have no doubt.  And I'm going to enjoy it too - all of his developmental strides.  I'm really looking forward to the arts and crafts projects that make their way home.  And all of the new songs and stories we'll learn.  I'm going to work to focus on all of this.