A Call for Prayers

This blog post is difficult to write, but something I need to do. There is something about writing/typing that makes me feel a little better in trying times.

Brad and I have been living an emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks. The day before leaving for our mini-trip to the Bahamas, we had a routine scheduled ultrasound of Baby Clark (15 weeks) - our first, and what we thought might be only, ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid is low. Amniotic fluid is essential for the proper growth and development of a baby, and also serves as a "cushion" to protect baby.

After the ultrasound, the radiologist consulted with my physician's office (my doctor was not in for the day). I talked with a nurse (who had spoken with another physician in the office) who insisted that I not worry, told me to drink lots of fluids over the weekend (saying most of the time dehydration was the cause), and come back for another ultrasound the next week. She said that traveling on our trip would be no problem, have a great time.

So, I was a compliant patient - drank, drank, drank water and lemonade like crazy on the cruise. We prayed a lot, worried a lot, but hoped for the best over the weekend. But we also wanted to enjoy our time together.

We went back in for ultrasound number two the day after returning from our trip. Devastating news: my amniotic fluid was still very low. Baby was alive, moving as much as he/she could in such a little amount of fluid, and maintaining a heart rate in the 140s. After this ultrasound, the ultrasound tech consulted with my physician who wanted to see me right away.

After our first ultrasound, I researched low amniotic fluid. I stayed away from unreliable sites and forums and focused on those that are evidence-based. The news didn't sound good (everything from miscarriage and still birth to birth defects and babies who live for only hours/days/months). After hearing the news after ultrasound two and meeting with my doctor, we were beyond devastated. Things weren't looking good. My doctor (a family practice physician) sent me for blood work (a Quad test) and referred me to an OB.

Brad and I went to the appointment this past Wednesday - ultrasound three and another referral to a maternal-fetal specialist the end of February. The positive take-away from this appointment was that anatomically, our baby looks very normal. He/she has a beating heart with four chambers, two functioning kidneys, a bladder full of amniotic fluid, a stomach full of amniotic fluid, arms, legs, fingers, toes, eyes, a nose, a mouth (no cleft lip was noted). Though I know I am biased, Baby Clark was just BEAUTIFUL!

My Quad test results also are indicating that our baby is at high risk for some sort of abnormality. Something that, as my new OB said, is not caused by anything in our control, rather is a random chromosomal defect that happens in a small percentage of pregnancies. And she said it isn't a diagnosis at this time, just an indication that something could be wrong. It will take further testing to diagnose.

Brad and I are working to be strong, praying that God has a plan for our beautiful unborn miracle. We know that we can't influence the outcome - only God knows the future of our baby. But we are praying every moment that "God grants us the strength to accept the things we can not change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (I've always loved the serenity prayer).

It's very hard to not feel guilty - could I have caused this to happen? Prior to even becoming pregnant, I did everything I was supposed to - prenatal vitamins, eating well (sure, I indulged in a few cravings like all pregnant women), exercising, avoiding alcohol and other harmful substances/foods, etc. I've been going through a lot of stages - "it's not fair", "this isn't what we planned", "why us?". But I think I'm getting to the point where I'm trusting in God, as hard as it is to not question him. I'm learning that I'm not in full control of my life - as much as I like to plan and think that I have it all figured out, He ultimately controls me.

Being a mom has created a new vulnerability that I never knew I had. Emotions I never knew I could feel. A sense of protection and "don't you dare mess with my kid or else..." You can do what you want to me, but don't hurt my child.

We have had lots of weak moments. And some strong ones, too. While it would be easy to just stay in bed all day, crying, fearing, questioning, I'm finding it is better to get up, face the day and not miss out on all of the wonderful things in life. I have the best husband in the world, the most loving, fun-spirited almost-two year old. I don't want to miss out on Gavin's newest word/sentence of the day, his crazy new dance of the day, or other silly things that just make me smile and laugh...and so darn proud of him! And I have a job that I am passionate about - and lots of important work to complete there.

I've resolved to take this one day at a time. Each day that God lets me continue to be pregnant and serve as the life-source for this baby is a blessing. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'll live for today.

So my call for prayers and support is not to ask that you pray to change the course that God has planned for our child. It is to pray that He grants Brad and me the strength to accept and carry out his plan. And I ask (please, please, please) that if you have a child/children or are expecting a child - give them an extra hug and kiss today. Tell them you love them. Enjoy every precious moment with them. We are so fortunate to be allowed to be parents - never take one moment for granted!