Holiday Traditions - Photo Dump

I'm going to let the (many) photos do the talking. This about sums up our early December holiday traditions. Check out the nativity photo a little closer - it's like "Where's Waldo", only "Where's McQueen" (Gavin added an extra character to the scene). Hehe! I have more photos and updates to post - cookie baking and Christmas wrap-up coming soon!

The great tree hunt...

While I've taken many pictures the past seven months, the one below marks the first family photo since Grace was with us. I've had a hard time thinking about taking a family photo since her death, knowing that Grace's day with us would be our only day to snap photos of our family of four. Instead, here we are, a family of three - our numbers go in the opposite direction of most families our age; families who we're surrounded by sharing the joy of their growing numbers. Seems like just about every day we hear of another expansion. I haven't wanted to take a family photo, knowing that it's just not complete any longer. But, I can't avoid it forever. So, here it is...our family of three. Oh, and that's the "chosen" tree, with Gavin looking like he is going to saw off his father's fingers. Kids and saws don't mix well. It reminds me of the Saturday Night Live from years ago with the holiday children's toys "bag of broken glass" skit. Oh boy!

Maeme and BaPa's tree...

Decorating...

Can you find the "extra" character in our nativity scene? Also, Mary and Joseph were rearranged a bit. Who could have done that?

Our first ever gingerbread house. And, no, that is not blood on Gavin's vampire looking face. It's red frosting.

Santa! Gavin did so well. He walked up with confidence, "My name is Gavin." Sat down on his lap. Began to recite his "wish list" for Christmas - listing numerous Thomas the Tank Engine trains he would like. Also, isn't that red sweater cute? My Grandma knitted it for my brother Andy some thirty-five-ish years ago. And now it fits the next generation!

Enjoying Meijer Gardens...the trains were absolutely fascinating!

This was the best we could do for the annual "Momma and Gavin" photo at the Gardens (getting close to dinner time).

More to come soon on the rest of the holiday season. Overall, we enjoyed a very nice Christmas under the circumstances.

Potty Time

Potty training is in full swing in the Clark household. We introduced Gavin to the potty over a year ago, when he was about 18 months old. Since then, he's had fun sitting on the potty (fully clothed), but has had little to no interest in actually using it. A couple months ago, we figured it was time to get more serious. Really, we probably could have gotten more serious about it sooner, but it felt like we were in crisis mode for a good portion of the year - potty training seemed to be a distant need. "Let's just survive" took precedence over much else.

So, our big break through came around Thanksgiving. I had been toying with ideas for potty rewards. We started with M&Ms. And then added a very cool foam Christmas tree with ornament stickers. Every time Gavin's goes "number 2", he gets to add an ornament to the tree (which is decorating our bathroom). He really likes the reward of picking out his favorite sticker and placing it anywhere he wants on the tree. It is full of stickers! We're still working on "number 1", which seems to be more difficult. And we've made the transition from diapers to pull ups. We tried just underwear a few times, but accidents ensued, so we'll stick with pull ups for now.

Up until this week, going to the potty was quite the drawn out process. We started reading Thomas books to Gavin initially when he started using the potty. So, the books became an expectation. Not that we don't like reading books to Gavin - it's one of our favorite things - but a whole long book each and every time he would sit down to use the potty got to be quite the long process. This week, we're working on speeding things up - get in, sit down, do your business, and move on. And save the books for the legitimate longer potty needs (such a boy!).

This seems like such a big milestone. A true transition from baby/toddler to big boy. Bittersweet, as so many things are. I love to see him grow and learn and say hilarious things. But I also miss the phases that he transitions through. Maybe I'm more sentimental than most because we've had a first hand experience that has taught us to appreciate every minute we have with our children. None of those minutes are mundane - they can be gone forever in an instant. So, while I'm happy on one hand to dump the diapers, it still makes me a little sad. Will I ever change another of my child's diapers again? I know I'm certainly not in charge of what the future holds, so I guess we'll "let go and let God".

I am quite proud of Gavin. He may have taken longer than some kids his age to get to this point in his potty habits, but I'm still very proud. We'll keep working at it, expecting the set backs along the way, and soon we'll retire the Huggies!

I have some potty videos of Gavin reading his books (he can recite pretty much the whole book), but I'll spare him the embarrassment of putting them on the blog. They'll be fun to look back on years from now!

Oh Christmas Tree!

I haven't posted a video in quite some time. I shot this today while decorating the Christmas tree. Nothing too special, just a day in the life of a two year old, excited about Christmas!



PS - "James" that is spoken of in the video is James the tank engine from Thomas. He's been asking daily that Santa bring him James (and others from Thomas) for Christmas. I think the big guy is going to come through :)

I also have some good potty videos (clean, of course) and updates to blog soon, just too tired tonight! We've got the cold virus in our house as of this weekend, yuck!

House Hunters

I've been contemplating this post for a bit now. Amid all that this year has brought, it has brought a desire to research new homes. Last year, Brad and I purchased 27 acres of country property in Marne from my dad, family land that my grandparents owned and farmed. My grandma passed away in June of last year, leaving land to her children. Brad and I purchased a portion of the land with the intent of building a home in the uninhabited country-side. We had been planning for it for several years, knowing that our current home was a typical "first home" purchase.

We began talking with builders last fall, ironically just a week or so after learning we were pregnant with Baby Clark #2. Our current home is certainly large enough for two children (three bedrooms, two baths), but it would be cramped a bit with toys and such. And we're really not crazy about the layout, among other things, for the long term. We talked with builders about building in Marne on our acreage, thinking we'd shoot for Spring 2012 to break ground. We put everything on hold when we learned that our pregnancy with Grace was complicated, and ultimately brought us a very sad outcome. Who cares about a house, right? It was the last thing on our minds. And the only place I was going to call home was the hospital (arggg) for that time.

After everything we've experienced this year, we've changed our minds with regard to location of a new home. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but our hearts are pulling us in a different direction. We've been researching options the past few months. For some reason, our hearts keep coming back to a neighborhood setting, one that is in the heart of all things that we love - recreation/parks, downtown, Grandville for shopping, our current proximity to the growing Standale location, and closeness to the school that Gavin will start at next fall. The stars seem to be aligning for this particular location.

So, a change of heart. And one that we're 100% okay with. We went back and forth on pros and cons and in the end the pros of our new idea far outweigh our original country-living thoughts. Not to knock country-living - there is certainly something very serene, peaceful and simple with it. I just think we would miss the neighborhood/suburban appeal that we have now. Gavin would be able to have neighbor friends, we'd be able to travel quickly to the places that we like, and as far as our commitment to fitness, like running and biking, it would be much easier and enjoyable. Running is a big part of our lives, so it's important to consider that in our decision.

We've been exploring options for either an already built home (something new, craftsman style) or building. Not quite decided, though a very nice home that we've been keeping an eye on recently had the price reduced. It's quite possible we may put an offer on it soon.

But yicks! We have a house to sell. And a neighborhood and neighbors who will we will be very sad to leave. We can afford to maintain two mortgages, yes, but it certainly is not ideal given the market. How long will it take to sell our current home? We've enlisted a realtor to help with all of this, so are feeling a bit more comfortable. I also have some hesitancy with the timing. Ideally, spring/summer would have been the time to move/put our house on the market. The winter tends to be a bit slower for real estate. And not the most fun time to physically move all of our belongs.

Double yicks, enter another anxiety factor! We have a lot of "stuff" that will need to be moved. We've never moved, at least in our married years. We started our marriage, our life in our current house, "living on love" for a year. We both had just graduated from college. I was working at a fraction of my earning potential doing an optional year of residency (something that has paid off with hindsight) and Brad was substitute teaching. We had a bed, a futon, a hand-me-down dining room table and chairs, and gifts from our wedding. That was it. Well, over the years, we've accrued much more. Not to mention a child and all of his "things".

Moving will be a lot of work. But people do it every day I suppose. And on the bright side, how fortunate are we to have all of these things to move (so wish I had one more child and her things to move as well, but I don't).

There are good reasons to move. I'm ready for a home with a different layout. We have a bi-level with a very tight entry way. We don't have a private master bathroom or walk in closet, two things on my list of ideals for a dream home. And our living room is overcome with toddler goodies - lots of fun, but wouldn't it be nice to stow them all away in a dedicated play room? I think so!

The neighborhood we're looking at has larger lots than our current home. And fewer homes in the neighborhood, which is appealing from a privacy standpoint (our whole idea with building in the country). And the proximity to all things that we enjoy is wonderful. Wooded lots, another perk, is something we're looking for.

So, I hate to jinx us, given nothing is written in stone (except our daughter's name on a headstone) - but I'm hopeful that our recent desires will soon become reality. We will very much miss our current home. It is the place we have built our life together as a family. We welcomed home our beautiful son to this home...and hoped to do the same with Grace. We made this our own, investing sweat and tears into it, doing much of the work ourselves - finished the basement, the landscaping, built a shed. It has been our first hand work that has made our house a home. I will miss it should we decide to move. And we love our neighbors, so that will be difficult to leave behind. Such very good-hearted, wholesome people. Funny, when we moved into the neighborhood (which is just down the street from Brad's parents), Mark started (and continued) to call our neighborhood "Pleasant Ville", because everyone is always so nice, it is always in good order, and is just a great place to live and raise a family. I will miss our little Pleasant Ville.

Today, the reality of all of this hit me. If we're going to put in an offer on the new home, we need to get our current home ready to sell. Brad does a great job of keeping the house in order, but there are things that need to be touched up. And quite frankly thrown out. I don't want to move with ALL of this. So, we began day 1 of organizing, cleaning, purging, etc. Goodwill/St. Vincent DePaul will be getting several goodies soon!

So, there are no guarantees that things with this new home will work out this year, or even next year for that matter. We'll just have to see. I'm not going to get emotionally attached to a home that may or may not be ours - and we're definitely not willing to over pay for it. I'm perfectly content staying where we are if that is how the cards fall.

And while I'm not 100% sure I'm ready for the "for sale" sign to appear in our front yard, I do know it is inevitable that we will move. Like so many things in life, and this year in particular, it is very bittersweet. I've been praying a lot about our decision. That God will guide us to where He thinks we should be. Regardless of where it is - a box on the street or a beautiful mansion - I know that it doesn't really matter. It's just a house. It's what you make of it that matters. And I'm convinced that we can make any house into a home. I look forward to it!

A Bittersweet Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving marks Grace's six month birthday. A half year, wow. The things she would have been doing. Last night, I was reminiscing on the blog back to Gavin at six months. Gosh, the things he was doing - starting solid foods, rolling from back to tummy and all over, talking jibberish oooo's and ahhhhh's and mamamama's and such. Smiling. Laughing. Living. Breathing. I can't help but think of the milestones and all that we're missing.

This holiday weekend comes, quite frankly, with a bit of dread. A bit of "what ifs". And a bit of really just anger and resentment. I try to not let the later shine through, but at times it gets the best of me. I just really miss Grace and what could have been. The holidays, being together with family, is a piercing reminder of what's missing.

And it will be just down right weird not having Mark around tomorrow. It just won't be the same without him. Watching the big Lions game, the Clark household abound with loud voices...there will be one loud voice that is noticeably missing. Just not the same.

Last year this time, Brad and I had just found out we were pregnant. We hadn't told our families yet, waiting for a big planned announcement at Christmas. And Mark was in the midst of his first rounds of chemotherapy, not really feeling the greatest, yet very optimistic that he would be with us for at least a few more years. That time just went too fast. I wasn't ready to let go in July. If we could have just had a little more time...

What a downer of a year, huh? I want so badly to focus on the good, and I do that probably 60% of the time, but the sadness is very real and very every day.

I do think how fortunate we were to have at least one day with Grace. We weren't even sure we would get that. And that we could all be together for Mark's last days - truly priceless time. So, amid the tragedy, there are good things and certainly things to be thankful for. This year, I'm thankful for my husband who is an incredible partner and father, my son who is so sweet, silly and just plain loveable, and all of my family and friends. Family and friends who let me cry when I need to, and laugh with me when I need a reprieve from the sadness. Thank goodness for laughing. What a dull world without it!

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving - please remember to be thankful for all that you have, and give your kids an extra squeeze!

Here's our little Native American (not sure that they had Elmo PJ's back then)!

PS - Thanks Brenda for the PJ hand-me-downs. Perfect fit and Gavin loves them :)

Travel and Such

Time to catch up on my blogging. We've had a lot going on lately, it seems. Two weekends ago, Brad and I took somewhat of a last minute trip to Boston for a long weekend. The grandparents watched Gavin for us (he had a fun time!) and Brad and I headed East. We had both been to Boston, separately, in the past. Me for a work conference a few years ago. And Brad, of course, for the Boston Marathon in 2009. Gavin (just 8 weeks old at the time) and I stayed home while Brad, Mark and Shirley ventured to the marathon. So, we were looking forward to exploring the city together, taking in the history and such.

We saw lots in our few days there - Freedom Trail and all the pertinent stops, Quincy Market (for a yummy chowda lunch), some shopping, and a trolley ride around the city. We ended the weekend with the season's first Nor'easter, fortunately not getting stranded (though delayed getting out).

A highlight of the trip was visiting the Sam Adams brewery, one of our favorite brewers. We were able to sample the Boston Lager, Oktoberfest (yum) and Pumpkin Ale (double yum). Here we are a local pub enjoying one...

On Friday, we plotted out our own pub crawl to the nation's oldest pubs and breweries. And we ran into this guy from the colonial ages... (actually, it was Halloween weekend, so many were in costume).

In other way EXCITING travel news, we booked a Disney Cruise vacation for this coming January! The Disney Dream (pictured below) will be our home for five glorious days! We're very excited for this warm-up opportunity and a chance for Gavin to meet all of his favorite Disney friends. Shirley, Brad's mom, is coming with us as well, which makes it even more exciting! We all could use a nice family vacation, but at the same time our hearts are heavy knowing that our two angels will not be with us.

I've been reading up about the cruise - it is going to be incredible. Disney is well-known for creating wonderful experiences, so I can't wait for us to be pampered and served beyond our wildest dreams. Disney Dream is a new cruise ship, introduced earlier this year. I'm sure the "newness" of the ship will make it even more special.

As is typical these days, all of the excitement of things to come is damped a bit by bittersweet feelings. Of course, there should really be no cruise. And no trip to Boston. But it is our reality. My mind can't help but continue to be filled with the "what ifs". I think its even more difficult, knowing that this time last year, we had just found out we were pregnant with Grace, not knowing any of what was to come. In fact, it was one year ago today that I stared down at this...


I'm sure this is just the beginning of thinking back a year to what I was doing, how I was feeling, etc. I was feeling really good. I did during both of my pregnancies. I've always really liked being pregnant. Just not the outcome with Grace.

Alright, pulling it back together - I'm going to log off and go enjoy the rest of this beautiful fall day. We've taken lovely bike rides the past two weekends at Millenium Park. We're really blessed with gorgeous fall weather this year. I like it!

To Halloween and Beyond!

Happy Halloween! Gavin had a FABULOUS time with Halloween this year. Trick-or-treating went great. He had the hang of the process by house two. "Gotta get more treats" "Gotta fill up my bucket" "Gotta go to the next house"...with a few "thank you's" and "Happy Halloween's!!" mixed in. It was a joy watching him have so much fun.

One of my favorite things of the night was his comment when he saw a couple kids dressed as witches. "Hahahaha....it's a little gnome, it's a little gnome" with fingers pointing. We watched Gnomeo and Juliet a month ago or so. So, he thinks that the witch hats look like gnome hats. And he said it with such enthusiasm! Many times throughout the night.

We thought we'd just hit a few close neighbors for trick-or-treating. But Gavin was having so much fun (and the weather was so cooperative), that he must have walked to half of the house in our neighborhood. Such a blast! And he enjoyed his sweet treats (not too many of them) when he got home and compared goods with his cousins.

Here are some photos...

The obligatory pumpkin photo, complete with cheesy smile (but no camera eye contact).

Buzz in action walking from house to house filling his bucket with treats. I do think he's the cutest Buzz ever! Love those wings...but he had no spacial concept, running his wings into other trick-or-treaters, cars parked in driveways, bushes/tress, office equipment when he came to visit me at lunch today, etc.

Fill this thing up!

The tired crew at the end of the evening...Luke with a Spartan Jason mask (not in costume here), Gavin "Buzz" Lightyear, Ava the Spartan cheerleader, and Lexi the bride (with an orange shirt for some extra Halloween flare)...And I like to think that Grace is there with them dressed as a butterfly...fluttering over them. Cute little Clark/Brown family!

I did find myself teary-eyed at times this evening, particularly watching all the little girls running around, some dressed as butterflies and such. Thinking of how we won't get to do this with Grace. And then a little girl dressed as an angel came to our house when I was handing out candy and Brad, Shirley and Gavin were off trick-or-treating. I told her I liked her wings, and she replied by saying she was a beautiful angel. I couldn't help but think how blessed her family was to have her as a living angel. Fortunately, it was dark, so she couldn't see my emotional face.

I had my moments of emotion, but mainly just a lovely Halloween with my family, soaking in all of the joys of Gavin's first real year of "getting it". It was fun! Oh, and I dressed up this year for work. Priority Health is celebrating 25 years. So, in honor of 1986, the year we started, we were challenged to wear 80's attire today. It was a blast getting decked out in fluorescent, tacky clothing, big hair, outrageous make-up, and so on. I even sported my circa 1980's Walkman, a true archive from the past, complete with an Amy Grant cassette! I'll spare you the photos!

Happy Halloween everyone!

Pumpkins

What a beautiful weekend! We took advantage of the gorgeous fall weather and journeyed to pick out pumpkins. And then carved them. This year, Gavin was more fascinated with the farm equipment than the pumpkins. Here he is on Uncle Jeff's tractor.

And the apple samples were a great morning snack. Nothing like stopping for a bite among the pumpkins. I love Gavin's scrunchy face as he devours the apple!

Our family of pumpkins...including the perfect little angel pumpkin!

Carving, and enjoying the feel of pumpkin guts between our fingers. Something about that is so disgusting but cool at the same time.

Our pumpkin siblings...Gavin's on the left and Grace's on the right. Gavin requested that his pumpkin have "eight teeth" this year. We settled on two. And I thought Grace's pumpkin was fitting with no teeth, given if she were living, we'd still be in that gummy, no teeth, big giggly smile phase with her. So, it seemed appropriate.

We made a special delivery for Grace at dusk tonight. And now we'll see how long those battery-operated votive candles last. It looked pretty cool flickering away! And makes me feel happy to still be able to include her in our holiday traditions. I've always thought Halloween is such a special and fun holiday for children.

Apple Pie

This kid loves to cook and bake!

I Race For Grace

Today was the big race! I've been training since mid-June for the Grand Rapids half marathon. It's been a tough journey, as I've blogged before, with the struggles of getting back into shape all the while dealing with the physical and emotional healing we're working on.

From a physical perspective, it's been challenging - I stopped running all together the very beginning of February when I was 15 weeks pregnant with Grace, after our world was rocked with news no parent expects to hear. Then bed rest and being hospitalized in mid April. Needless to say, my usually fit self spiraled into a very different "Erica", one focused intently on that small hope that putting myself second, and my daughter first, would possibly result in her growing up in the Clark household. We all know how that didn't transpire.

So, I went from February through May without running, exercising, or even really doing much of anything from a physical perspective. Then I had major surgery (a c-section) and all of the physical healing from that. The icing on the cake came just a week after finally getting back into running after my three week postpartum appointment - my very glamorous foot sprain and subsequent months of healing, all the while still trying to run and train for today's race. And, oh wait, a double load of icing that I almost forgot about - my lingering neck/shoulder injury from being in the hospital. Enter seven weeks of physical therapy to heal that (I think I can say I'm finally healed from that, yippy!) And probably the last layer of icing - I've also been struggling with emotional fatigue carrying over into physical fatigue.

A huge challenge physically. This is not Erica. This is not the healthy-as-can-be, only-go-to-the-doctor-once-a-year-for-a-physical person I used to be. This year has been very far from my normal.

On the emotional side, as I just mentioned, I'm finding that grieving is very exhausting. I lack energy. It's been a struggle to get out the door for most of my runs these past few months. And then when I do get out the door, either my physical fatigue or my mind racing with thoughts of Grace and Mark and all that this year has brought us, brings me down. From a positive perspective, I've always loved running for it's ability to clear my mind. In fact, I've been an avid runner more for the mental health it provides me than the physical health, though both are good. But at times on my runs, I find myself giving up too easily...not attacking that hill with all I have. Instead, I might walk the hill. Or slow down a bit when my mind gets the best of me. So, my emotional state has effected my athletic ability. But it's probably a trade off for having some "me" time (something, too, that I've always loved about running) and confronting my thoughts. And from what I've read, grieving really can cause physical fatigue, so I suppose I'm not weird for experiencing this.

I also, from a physical perspective, had weight to lose. I've blogged previously about my thoughts on this, so I won't rehash. Let's just say, I've never been faced with having to lose weight and it's been a challenge. But, I have lost all but four-ish pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been combining running with a pseudo diet - really just watching calories and portion sizes. Fortunately, through all of this, I've still remained within a healthy BMI, even at my heaviest (well, my non-pregnancy heaviest). I'd still like to lose the remaining four pounds, and then maybe even another five to ten. We'll see.

One thing that's been bittersweet this training season has been visiting Grace on my long runs. When I started back to running in mid June, my long runs were a measly 4 miles. I knew that when I made it to 10 or more miles, I would be within a distance that would allow me to run through the cemetery to visit Grace. I was looking forward to this little goal. Until the day I finally reached that mileage last month. Don't get me wrong, I love to visit her, spend time with her, enjoy the serenity that I've found in her home. But on that morning, I ran and I cried when I turned into the driveway of the cemetery. I kept thinking how stupid it was that I was there, that I had looked forward to this goal. Who looks forward to visiting their dead child? She shouldn't be dead. She should be living in our house, where I don't have to run or get in a car or ride a bike to visit her. I very much HATED it at that moment (and at many moments). I broke down when I made it to her grave site. Such guilt that her mother has to travel five miles to see her. Such guilt that I shouldn't even be training for this race because I should be preoccupied with caring for her and her brother, and balancing two kids, a marriage, work and life in general. I shouldn't be doing this. I apologized heavily that day to Grace for my failures to her. And I know that you're all thinking right now that I didn't fail her, that this was all out of my control. It was, you're right. But it doesn't make it any easier. And I still feel guilt and hurt over the circumstances - maybe more so because it was out of my control.

Amid the physical and emotional fatigue, I pulled myself together to get through 16 weeks of training, starting out very slowly (VERY SLOWLY). It was frustrating, but I'm glad I had the half marathon as my goal. I've always done well with running when I have a goal in mind.

Today, Brad and I embarked on the race. I was nervous going into it. And I knew that I would not set a personal best today. And I even told myself that it would be okay if I needed to walk off and on during the race. I was okay with that. I just wanted to finish. Brad also has been struggling a bit with training, though he did have a major success with his first half Ironman race earlier this summer - a huge accomplishment (and he may be aiming for a full Ironman next summer, whoa!). So, we entered the morning pseudo-excited, knowing that today was the day we'd set as a goal, but also knowing that it would not be our supremo running event. We were okay with that.

It ended up being a great morning for a run. It was raining up until the start of the race, really perfect timing. It was a nice cool, cloudy run (my favorite weather for racing). No wind like we had yesterday, thankfully, as I do not enjoy running in intense wind. I'm okay with rain, but not windy rain. I ran a comfortable pace, and - as I suspected - did have to walk a handful of times starting around mile 9. I was at peace with that decision. I also lost some time waiting for a port-a-potty at mile 5. I usually don't have to stop during a race, but let's just say something about having babies affects your bladder (TMI, sorry). I had to wait about six minutes for a stall (that was DISGUSTINGLY smelly BTW). But it was worth the wait - and smell - to assure a comfortable race.

The race took me 2 hours, 21 minutes, and 6 seconds. And if you subtract my six minute bathroom break, it was closer to 2 hours and 15 minutes. Again, not near a PR, but very much expected. I had mixed feelings about the race all during my training, but in the end, I'm glad that I did it. It provided me a nice goal and some fitness and weight loss as well. And I think, though difficult, it's provided some level of help with emotional healing. I thought a lot about Grace and Mark today while I ran. And how really very fortunate I am to be able to run, to breath deeply with each stride. It's a reminder that I'm very blessed, amid the tragedy.

Here are some photos from today. Brad and I had matching tee-shirts made. Today, we raced for Grace.

Pre-race shirt shot

This is a less than glamorous photo just before the finish line. Yes, it's there! It's there! I hate photos like this because they always look like I'm not even running. Like I'm some variety of a sloth. Well, I was running. Not very fast. But I was running.

Again, less than glamorous (all post-race photos are). But I like our cute shirts! And my medal!

Typical toddler...need I say more!

Our Grace Butterfly

We came across this little beauty (and others) in Northern Michigan this week!

A New Season

From parks and pools, to apples and pumpkins. Gavin has had such a fun summer expanding his toddler horizons, it's hard to believe fall is upon us. We've officially said good-bye to the pool (it's winterized now) and hello to falling leaves, cooler temps and shorter days. Hopefully, we'll capture a few more good park days, because he's not quite ready to call it a year on the swings and slides.

So, here's a pictorial documenting the transition of seasons. From summer....

To fall...

No pumpkins quite yet, so more to come on that adventure soon!

Shout-outs!

Okay, time for some quick shout-outs to wrap up the weekend:

1) To my adoring husband, thank you for seven wonderful years as we celebrate our anniversary today. We vowed to be each others everything through the good times and the bad - and I think we've experienced the whole spectrum this year. Never did we think when we said our vows in 2004 that God would ask us to travel this road. But here we are, in the driver's seat when many would have taken a detour or staled out. I'm not one for PDA, but I'll break the rules for some blogging affection. I love you!

2)Thank you to all of our loving family and friends for your support today - and for honoring our little Grace. Wear those Gracelets with pride! We're very blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives. We have such a great support system, so thank you for keeping us strong. And for allowing us our weak moments, too. Today, my tears were not for weakness, they were for awe. Awe in the way that you all remember our daughter along with us. A little girl whom many of you never had the pleasure of meeting. But you're still moved by her, and that makes me proud.

3) GO LIONS! Mark is certainly calling some shots up there with the Big Guy. Goodness, if he could be here to see THIS! A dedicated fan through all of those bad years, it is such a different football season this year not having him around. We catch ourselves each Sunday wanting to give him a call to see what he's doing for the game. And then the lump in our throats returns (that nagging, darn lump that just won't go away this year). Gosh, we miss you. But you must have an awfully good seat for those games - right on the sidelines I'm sure.

4) For a little humor - a thank you to Hallmark, for always having the right card. I never thought in a million years I would buy a card from the "Anniversary - Difficult Year" section. We've certainly kept Hallmark in business this year. So many cards received. It must be a record or something. But they do always have just the right card. So, "you're welcome" Hallmark.

Rounding out the post with a photo - cheers to seven years! (Ignore the scanned, grainy pre-digital era photo. We're getting old.)

Join Us!

I posted recently about our desire to have family and friends join us for a prayer and dedication at Grace's place. We've landed on Sunday, September 25 at 2:00pm - which also happens to be our seventh anniversary. So, what better way to celebrate seven years than to be with our children and those who mean the most to us. Deacon Leo from our church will lead us.

I will also have "Gracelets" (Grace bracelets) available. I recently sold them as a fundraiser at work for Tomorrow's Child and they were a hit. We'd like to spread the "Grace" to you all, because we all could use a little more grace in our lives!

All are welcome to join us for this short gathering graveside at Grace's. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Blog-followers. We'd be happy for you to join us. Holy Cross Cemetery - click here for a map. Grace's neighborhood is on the North side of the cemetery (Northeast of the little "A" on the google map) in the center of the "Garden of Angels" block.

Perspective

It's weekends like this that I find myself grateful to have a bit of perspective. Now, I'm not perfect, very far from it. But one thing that I think this year has taught me is a lesson in perspective. And at times, this lesson has enraged me when I see or hear of others who lack it.

Sometimes it's the simple, little, what-was-intended-to-be-innocent-or-a-joke comments that just get under my skin and make me boil. Most of the time, it is things that have to do with babies or children. Comments that lack appreciation for these little blessings. "My day was ruined by my kid(s) because...fill in the blank". Really, it was ruined. I doubt it. You want to know what ruined really means? It means they aren't even here to nag you, to annoy you, to throw a temper tantrum, to dirty a diaper when it wasn't convenient for you.

I was on my run this morning (10 miles, I might add - back in the double digit club finally!) and thinking a lot about perspective. I think what triggered it was watching news coverage last night about the 10th anniversary of September 11. Every year I watch the coverage, and every year I'm moved and brought to tears. But something about watching it last night, after all that we've been through this year, moved me even more. Stories of families who lost their loved ones, or who nearly lost them and now live with disabilities and emotional scars. Something so very unexpected. Even the invincible, the "it could never happen to me", were touched by this tragedy.

I still vividly remember where I was on 9/11 as I'm sure many recall. I was in pharmacy school at Ferris, a morning of a three-ish hour lab. I came out of lab and was eating honey roasted peanuts (freakish that I remember what I was eating, none-the-less that they were honey roasted) talking with a friend when another friend approached us and filled us in on what had occurred. It was about 11am and we hadn't heard any of the news yet. We quickly joined our other classmates in the large lecture hall where the faculty were projecting news coverage on the big screen.

At the time, I didn't have cable in my apartment (poor college student) and I barely could get two, fuzzy local channels. 9/11 caused me to order cable so that I could watch the news coverage for the months to follow. I remember the coverage being addicting. Glued to our televisions. And going home that weekend and just sobbing with my family. We did not know anyone who was affected personally, but it still felt very personal.

So, on my run, I was recalling 9/11, thinking of Grace and Mark who frequently are on my mind when I'm running (and when I'm not running). Thinking of other friends and family who are going through personal struggles with death and illness. Gosh, there has been a lot of tragedy lately. And no one asks for this. But it is encouraging to see that many come out of these terrible situations with a whole new look on life. A greater appreciation for all that they do still have. Some perspective. Watching the news coverage last night, there were lots of stories of how people have triumphed after loss. I hope that can be me some day. With time I suppose.

And I do have to add that I don't spend too much time getting "down in the dumps" about other people's comments that lack appreciation. For every one unappreciative comment, I hear five really good ones. Stories of how what we have been through has influenced others to have more appreciation for their families and children. That's one thing I hope can come from all of this - that people will have a keener understanding for how precious life is...and just roll with it when things aren't perfect.

Okay, done ranting for now. Thanks for listening.

Grace's Place

We've had quite a few people ask about where Grace is buried. She is at Holy Cross Cemetery on the Northwest side of Grand Rapids (next to West Catholic High School). She is buried in the Garden of Angels section on the northern-most side of the cemetery.

I never thought I would say this, but I really enjoy spending time at the cemetery. Funny how as a child and even up until just recently, cemeteries have had a somewhat creepy, dark feeling to me. My view now couldn't be farther from this. Grace's place is so very serene, peaceful, beautiful. It is a place where I collect my thoughts, clear my brain, let my emotions be what they are. And if you're picturing me crying hysterically when I'm there, I really don't most of the time. Sometimes, yes. So many times when we visit, we laugh, read stories, try to wrangle in Gavin while he's running carelessly through Grace's neighborhood...sometimes not being the most respectful toddler (e.g. running his cars on the tops of other gravestones or stealing flowers from the neighbor's place). I really hope that our cemetery "neighbor" Joan likes children...and that she is a forgiving soul. Gavin has lots of fun at her place.

"Go to visit Grace at the cemetery." "Grace in heaven in the blue sky." "Grandpa there, too." Heartbreaking to hear his tiny little voice say these things. How many two year olds know the word "cemetery" and use in their daily conversations? Not many.

Grace's neighborhood has other children, too. I imagine their siblings knew/know all of these things that Gavin has learned. Hard lessons for such little ones. But lessons that I think will make Gavin a very empathetic, loving boy. I like to think that Grace is playing with her neighbor friends in heaven - Caleb who died when he was just six years old (he has little matchbox cars by his gravestone that Gavin tries to "borrow") and babies Thomas, Anita and Angela (and maybe more that we haven't noticed yet).

We've been working diligently the past few months to design Grace's headstone - well, really our headstone, as Brad and I will join her some day and share a stone. There is very little we can do to parent our daughter. The things that we can do are so important to us. This was one major "thing" for us to do. Today, the finished stone arrived. It's bittersweet, like so many things lately. On one hand, it is great to have this stone in place to honor the life of Grace. On the other hand, it is just so sad that this is what we have to look forward to... a hunk of granite with her name on it. If you'd asked me last year, I'd have told you I was looking forward to spending several thousand dollars on new granite counter tops. Now we have a whole different kind of granite instead. The kind that very few our age even have to think about.

So, here's the finished product. Ignore my reflected imagine in the photos. The sun was shining just right that I couldn't avoid it.

The front...
(the banner above Grace's name says "Forever Our Angel" and "Too Beautiful for Earth" under her name and birth/death date, in case you can't read it because it's too small in the photo)

And the back...

The back of the stone is what took so long to decide on. We knew early on that we wanted some variation of "Amazing Grace" on the back...we couldn't fit the entire song, so we used the first three verses, really our favorite verses. And the butterflies...I just love the butterflies. Butterflies have become our symbol of Grace. They are like little angels with their beautiful, graceful wings. And they have been so prevalent this summer that every time we see one, we think it is our Gracie reincarnated. I think they are just a beautiful, subtle touch on our stone.

We also had a tree planted in honor of Grace right next to our plots. Again, little that we can do for our Grace. We love trees, so this was a perfect fit. I envision us having many picnics there in the years to come, shaded nicely by our tree (once it grows bigger). It is a cute, twiggy little red maple with the following dedication...

So, now that the stone has arrived, we're thinking about holding a dedication soon. Just a short prayer and time for family, friends, co-workers, blog followers - whoever would like to come - to share a moment with us and with Grace. And an opportunity for everyone to see where Grace's place is. It will be just for a few minutes, so nothing formal or lengthy. Obviously, we had a private funeral and burial so many of our loved ones and friends have not had a chance to visit or pay their respect to Grace. This would be that opportunity. I'll post more in the days to come as we plan a date and time. But please know that all are welcome to join us - we'd be honored if you'd like to come. And if you don't feel comfortable, that is fine, too. If you do decide to come, I think you'll find the same serenity and peace at Grace's that we find. It really is a beautiful place, filled with wonderful souls!

Some day, "Grace will lead me home". Until then, I will live every day honoring her. I love you my Grace!

Two and a Half...

...and I mean Gavin's age, not the show Two and a Half Men. Not a Charlie Sheen fan (not sure anyone is anymore). Would never blog about his crazy antics.

So, Gavin is officially two and half! I thought this milestone deserved a blog post to update our followers, and of course to serve as my own documentation of this very fun and sometimes challenging age. Gavin is everything a two (and a half) year old is supposed to be, a classic toddler-but-I-want-to-be-big-boy kind of kid.

My last major post about his development was back in May, when he was about two years and three months old. So much has changed in his development since then. And some things have just not changed at all (e.g. potty training efforts, pacifier need - I won't dwell on these things, they are small and unimportant at this moment in our lives).

Gavin's language skills are probably the most notable developmental update. My last post about Gavin, I was so excited that he was speaking in short sentences. Well, now it is multiple sentences. And conversations. We can go back and forth with talking, asking questions to him, he asks questions of us (LOTS of them). It's really quite fun, cute, entertaining and fascinating all at the same time. I love that we can ask him a question about his day and he'll recall it for us. "Gavin, what did you and Dadda do today?" He'll answer by spouting off all of the fun and interesting highlights of the day. And you can see the wheels turning as he recalls the events of the day. I love that look of concentration and then excitement when he recalls and is able to share his stories.

And his memory is just impeccable. We were in Traverse City for work this past week. I met up with my boys for lunch at a restaurant that we go to quite often. The restaurant has a lot of fish and boating "stuff" hanging in various spots. The last time we were at this restaurant (a few weeks) ago, we sat at a booth that had a boat motor hanging from the ceiling. Brad must have casually said something silly to Gavin about how the motor was going to fall on Momma. Well, three weeks later, we sat in the same booth. First thing Gavin says "that boat motor is going to fall on Momma". Brad and I looked at each other, me not even remembering that we had joked about a few weeks earlier, Brad reminding me. Geesh, this kid soaks everything up! He does this all of the time - not talking about motors falling on me - recalling things he was told once, casually, and repeating it many days or weeks later. Nothing slips by.

Everyone talks about the terrible twos. I don't know, I just don't see it. Yes, we have our moments, mainly times when Gavin is insistent on showing his big boy skills, but really it's just a joy. He definitely has a bit of a hyperactive, on the go tendency. But I think all boys this age exhibit these traits. I'm not worried. I think it is natural that in situations when we expect him to act like we do, he just doesn't have the skills or experience or interest to do so. Classic example is attending mass each week. It's the LONGEST hour of this kid's life! But we do our best to balance the whole "don't over react" with "don't let him get away with too much naughtiness and disrupt the entire church". Thankfully, our church is filled with young families working on that same exact balance. And God understands, I'm sure he understands, right? It is a bit funny to watch the difference in toddler girls and boys at church. So many times, the little girls sit quietly, engaged in their little toys and books...while the boys (mine included) fly from one thing to the next, never quite satisfied with the few little toys mom and dad let them have...and loudly displaying the little trinkets.

Two other major things I've noticed the past couple of weeks, as we transitioned to two-and-a-half. 1) Gavin adds names to the end of nearly every statement or question, or sometimes the beginning. Regardless, the statement is clearly always directed at someone. And always requires acknowledgement, or it will be re-asked several times. 2) it's a major question stage. "What's that Momma?" . Everything is "what's that", even when he knows the answer. I love the inquisitive nature of a toddler, learning through their parents.

I suppose a third major observance would be story recalling. Gavin can recite his favorite books. Funny that he even wants us to read them to him anymore, because he can rattle off the stories himself. He's still very much into trucks and loves his Tonka books from Uncle Andy and Aunt Karen - best gift ever I think.

His annunciation is getting very good as well. My last post updating on Gavin's development had me phonetically typing how he says words. Now, he pretty much has the words nailed. With a few, cute toddler-dialect exceptions. I love how he says "yellow" - "ew-oooh". The "l's" are a little difficult in certain words.

And he still loves his Disney movies. In fact, we're contemplating taking a Disney cruise this fall...we really need a family vacation! I get excited thinking about how he'll react to meeting his favorite characters. And I like the cruise idea, because he's just too little to enjoy all that Disney World/Land has to offer. Some day, we will definitely take him on that vacation, too. Still a bit of a struggle with the guilty feelings I've blogged so much about. Really, we shouldn't be able to go on a cruise. And so very bittersweet, given it would be our first family vacation since Grace was born. And she can't go with us. It feels so incomplete. But we know that our life needs to go on, as changed and "new normal" as it may be. And I think we would still be able to find very good moments of fun if we do decide to go. We'll see.

Speaking of going on vacation, I mentioned this to an acquaintance recently. She replied by saying "you just got back from a leave from work, do you really need more time off?" Seriously! My time away from work was not a vacation. In fact, it was the farthest thing from one. I'd have given anything to not need that time off in the way I took it. To have had a normal pregnancy, a health living baby. To have used all of my vacation time (that I spent well over a year accruing thinking I would need it to extend my maternity leave). So, if you ever encounter someone in a similar situation to mine, please don't say this to them. While I'm sure it was said not really knowing how it came out, it was not good. I'm sure I could go on and on about the things people say that they shouldn't. Or the things that they don't say that they should. I try to be understanding, knowing that it's often awkward for people to know what to say or do. And here I am judging them...I know, I need to work on this. Add it to the list of my imperfections.

So, Gavin is just thriving. I don't really have any growth updates, given he hasn't been to the doctor since his two year well child. I'd guess he's grown a few inches and probably put on some weight, though he is still a SKINNY kid. I'm just praying that he says on the growth chart for weight, it was a big accomplishment at two years! His appetite is still much improved vs. a year ago. But he is just one of those kids who would rather be playing than taking the time to sit down and eat. Though, he has started to tell us when he is feeling hungry...a sensation I would have otherwise thought he was born without! He does not get that from me...unfortunately!

Gavin, we love you oh so much. Thank you for being you and for bringing such endless joy to our lives!

Here are a couple recent photos to visually document 30 months of life. Blueberry picking and hiding under the dining room table. Love this kid!

Fitness Woes

I'll start by saying that I know most of what I have to say tonight is really not rational. I get it. You'll all have comments about how absurd it is. But in all reality, many of my feelings lately may not be rational or justified - it is, however, how I feel. Really, I've been thinking about this so much lately, I'm hoping that blogging about it will ease some of my frustration. Writing has that effect on me. So, here I go...

My name is Erica. (Hi Erica.) I am not in shape.

I've historically been one of those people who didn't need to worry about being in shape, losing weight, or watching what I eat. I've been blessed with a combination of good genes (I come from little people) and a dedication to good eating and a love for running. Not the case lately. So, you're probably thinking "why are you being so hard on yourself, you just had a baby." "The baby weight will come off with time." "It took 9 months (I suppose more like 8ish months in my case) to put on the weight, it will take just as long to get it off."

Well, I'm 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (15 over my pre-Gavin weight) and it is KILLING me. I can't really rationalize why I'm so upset about it, but I have a few thoughts...

First of all, after my first pregnancy, losing weight and getting back into shape was so easy. Really, it was effortless. I don't know if it is because I was two years younger than I am now. Or that I had the wonderful privilege of breastfeeding for many months (it really does help you lose weight, among other enchanting benefits...gosh, I could go on for hours about how much I miss this opportunity with Grace). Probably a combo of both. Combined with the fact that I was in better shape going into having Gavin than Grace. I was able to run up until nearly 39 weeks pregnant with Gavin; not possible with Grace.

So, I suppose it's a combination of all of the above that led to my super speedy get-back-in-shape experience after having Gavin. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within about 8 weeks. Granted, my abs would never be the same (you moms out there can relate I'm sure).

I remember vividly my first run after having Gavin. I was six weeks post-partum, had just gotten the a-okay from my doctor to resume exercise and running. So, I went for a leisurely 4 mile jog with Gavin in the BOB jogging stroller (with infant seat adjuster-thingy). 4 miles, are you insane? 4 miles to me right now is like a marathon. I do remember feeling a bit floppy and having a new-found appreciation for how much your abs help you to run in good form. But I didn't struggle nearly as much as I have these past several weeks.

After having Grace, I was given the go-ahead to resume running at my 3 week postpartum appointment. My incision was healed, I was regaining energy, so it seemed like I was ready. Brad, Gavin (in the BOB) and I headed out for a three mile jog (a jog, really, not a "run"). It felt okay. We ran/walked the mileage very slowly. I couldn't help but think how badly I wished that we were pushing the double BOB that we'd researched in anticipation of adding a second child to our family. That massive monstrosity of a stroller. I've never wished for spending $600 as badly as I have with that stroller. Or as badly as I have for all of the other purchases we would have had to make with another little one. Instead, our garage continues to house just the single BOB. And our bank account is $600 richer. $600 I wish I didn't have.

Anyway, enter two days after this first run. Just taking a nice easy walk around the neighborhood to return a casserole dish to a neighbor and to visit the playground...chatting away with Brad, pulling the wagon with Gavin. And all of the sudden, I hit the ground, in excruciating agony. I'd encountered a very, VERY, unglamorous fall. Not sure to this day what happened because it all went so quickly. I think the crack in the curb must have turned into a massive valley or hole. There I was on the ground, 10/10 on the pain scale with a rolled ankle and abraised knee. My foot swelled to about two-times it's normal size, bruised, and was difficult to walk on for several weeks. Actually, it still hurts to this day. Of course, not as badly as the couple of weeks following my show-stopping performance and subsequent walk-of-shame back home. All the while listening to Gavin tell me how "momma went bungas" (our word for falling). He still talks about it to this day, thanks in part to my lovely husband who finds it funny to keep Gavin going about how glamorous my fall was. Haha, oh so funny.

So, post-baby, post-sprained foot...all the while dealing with a nagging neck problem that stems from being on bed rest on the lovely hospital bed/pillows. Still going to PT for the neck thing. Gosh, could this be any more difficult trying to get back into running and ultimately back into shape?

Then there's the emotional aspect eating away at me. So, most postpartum women have the luxury of actually having a baby to hold and to love. And to bring with them out in public. I don't have that. I think after having Gavin, half of the reason I didn't think that I needed to lose weight or that it was okay that I was still out of shape came from the fact that I had this wonderful "prize" after going through pregnancy and all of the accompanying body changes. I don't have that now. I have no physical reminder that I had a baby, except a scar. No baby to hold. My prize at the end of all of this is not with me. I don't get to go grocery shopping or out running errands with a baby in tow. When people see me out and about, there is no sign to them that I am a new mom. No thought of "oh, she's a little over weight and pudgy because she just had a baby." No comments or thoughts of "well, actually, she looks pretty good for just having had a baby." People don't see this. They just see me...empty handed. No idea that I just delivered a baby 10 weeks ago. No excuse for looking the way that I do.

Maybe that is why I am being extra hard on myself - I don't have a baby, therefore I should not look like I just had one.

So, I'm hoping to be able to run the Grand Rapids half marathon in October. It's one of my "I want to do this, but I feel guilty about it" things. In all reality, I shouldn't even be able to run it. If I'd carried to term, there would be no way I'd fit in the 16 week training schedule. I'm only able to fit it in because of all of these circumstances that I'd give anything to not be dealing with right now.

Running this race is going to be a stretch, as I'm finding out. I didn't spring right back into running like I did after having Gavin. My longest run thus far is a measly 5 miles. It's taken me several weeks just to get to that mileage. Last year this time, I was training for a full marathon. 5 miles was a walk in the park. Now it feels like a marathon.

I suppose on the up side, it is getting a bit easier to run. I've had a couple of runs this week that just felt really good. If only mother nature would cooperate a bit more and end the madness with her 90 degree heat/humidity stretch she is so graciously blessing us with.

And I did lose 3 pounds in the past few weeks. So, that's a positive. But I'm still two clothing sizes larger than I was prior to being pregnant. And I want so badly to pull out those smaller sizes from my closet. And retire the newly purchased larger clothing that I had to buy in order to go back to work. Some of my pre-pregnancy clothes still fit, but definitely more snugly than before.

I really want to make it to the start line, and ultimately the finish line, at this race. I will be oh so critical of myself if I don't. Crazy, because at the same time I say this, I think to myself how I shouldn't be doing it. Mixed feelings. Guilty feelings. My new normal. Instead of pushing that double stroller, I'm going to strive to run this race in honor of my daughter. I'm going to "Race for Grace" and hope that she grants me the grace to do this. That she'll lone me her angel wings to breeze through the 13.1 mile physical and emotional struggle.

I'd give anything to see her at the finish line, like I did Gavin three years ago at the end of this very same race. I'll have to settle for knowing that she's there cheering for me from above. Along with her Grandpa, who, too, would be there on the sidelines rooting for Brad and me.

So, what can I say...this fitness thing is not easy right now. I'm trying, but it's a struggle.

Fun Things Are Still Happening

Even with all of the sadness and heartache, we're finding happy moments, too. In fact, the highlight of the week? DATE NIGHT!

So, Brad and I have not been on an "official" date in forever. In fact, I think the last thing that really counted as a date was our weekend get-away to the Bahamas late January. Our world was rocked after that, and dates took on a whole new meaning. All of the sudden, the only time we were getting a babysitter was so that we could go to doctor appointments (there were lots of them). And then in the hospital on Friday nights, my parents would take Gavin so that Brad and I could have a "date". It was nice, and something I looked forward to each slowly passing week. But come on, a date in the hospital? We made the best of it - dinner brought in most of the time and we made it through several of the Oscar nominated movies (King's Speech was by far our fave).

Then after Grace was born and passed away, we'd get a babysitter to watch Gavin so the two of us could go to meetings with the funeral home or cemetery. And then to attend the support group at Spectrum. Yes, we might grab dinner before the group meeting, but this was far from a real date.

Initially, I had mixed feelings about our plans for our night out on Friday. We went to dinner and then the Keith Urban concert. Keith is my absolute favorite. Mainly because of his music, but he's quite handsome as well :) And Brad really likes his music, too, given he rocks it out on the guitar (not just your typical country artist). We've seen him in concert now four times.

So, why the mixed feelings? Well, tickets went on sale in February. Arg, February. A month filled with so many ups and downs and unknowns. A month (and those to follow) focused on making the most challenging decisions we've ever faced. How could I even think about going to a concert? To top it off, the concert (July 22) was just two days after our due date for Grace. There would be no way we'd be able to go if by some chance I carried to term. And even if I didn't carry to term, and if Grace lived, we'd have a newborn who would need lots of attention given the great possibility that she wouldn't be healthy. So, the concert was an absolute no.

In June, in an effort to try to resume some normal activities, we heavily debated buying tickets (surprisingly, they were still available). I struggle with a lot of guilt still. Guilt that I shouldn't be doing certain things, like fun things, because "if I'd had a normal pregnancy, I'd still be pregnant and I wouldn't be able to do these things" or "I'd have a newborn who I'd be caring for". So, things like going to a concert, or out for a glass of wine with girlfriends, or starting to train for my next big race (I'm aiming to run the Grand Rapids half marathon in October - more on that later) - these things would not be possible if things had turned out the way that we dreamed. If Grace had lived. I shouldn't be doing them.

Well, we took a leap of faith and bought the tickets. I'm glad that we did. We had an awesome night out. But I'd trade it all - and then some - if we just had our Gracie with us. It's a struggle to deal with these guilty feelings.

But, we really can still have fun. And it is documented in this photo...


We've done other things the past weeks that have brought great joy. I think that both Grace and Mark would want us to be doing things as a family. Though our family is two very important people short. Mixed feelings about all of these fun times, but again, I'm overall glad that we stepped out of our cocoon to enjoy them. So, here's a run down...

Gavin's first baseball game at the Whitecaps.

Bath time, which is always great fun...

Picking (and clearly eating) strawberries in June...

Playing in the mud after a massive, but short-lived downpour...

Going to the cottage. This was difficult and so strange without Mark there. We had the pontoon fixed and it was just so weird to have Brad driving it instead of Mark. It makes my eyes tear up just to think about it. But I do really think that this is what Mark would want. He'd want us to be at a place that he so enjoyed...


Brad enjoying the last Sam Adams from the fridge at the cottage. Cheers Mark!

Shirley and the girls - I think this photo is so ADORABLE. Lexi found Grandpa's MSU hat and it looks just perfect on her!


Swimming at MaeMe and BaPa's...

And this photo makes me smile, so I'll include in my post. Last month, Gavin and I were coloring and I asked him if he would like to color the wheels on the firetruck. So, he drew these cute little singular lines that start on the wheel and travel down the page. He did this to every truck in the coloring book (20+ pages). This is his two year old interpretation of coloring the wheels. I like it!

So, overall, several good moments. And some difficult as well. This week was my due date - July 20. I wasn't sure what to expect going into it, but knew that it would probably be difficult. It was. I couldn't get Grace off of my mind all day. I suppose that's not a bad thing. But it creates a lasting lump-in-my-throat-tears-in-my-eyes kind of feeling. I read a helpful poem lately. I've read lots of them lately (many supplied by you, my blog followers). The gist of this particular poem is that anytime you have this feeling, it is your angel hugging you tightly around the neck. So, I like to think that I'm getting lots of hugs from my Grace lately. And it helps me to deal with the emotions. I just wish I could hug her back. Some day I suppose. For now, I'm sure she's getting lots of hugs in heaven.