Heavy Heart

I'm having writer's block, so forgive me for my less than inspirational post tonight. I think I've become somewhat numb to emotional pain the past couple of days and it is starting to affect my ability to articulate my thoughts. And my alertness.

My heart is so very heavy lately.

Brad's dad, Mark, was discharged home today...but not under the circumstances we were all hopeful would come. As I've shared, he was admitted to Lacks in May with a spinal cord compression, due to metastasized prostate cancer. He was given a 50/50 chance at regaining his ability to walk, which, after a couple of weeks of radiation, landed him on the 50 percent side that we all were fearing. He wouldn't regain his ability to walk. He was transferred to Mary Free Bed to learn to use a wheelchair, how to go about daily activities under a "new normal", and to regain strength. He was going to be discharged July 11 to begin his "new normal". While not ideal, Mark accepted this and worked so hard at his rehab therapy.

Starting this week Wednesday late afternoon, Mark began declining - sleeping all the time, losing some motor control in his hands, confused at times, not able to participate in his occupational and physical therapy, anemia, etc. It was concerning.

We were told yesterday by Mark's physical medicine physician and his oncologist that his disease has advanced farther and likely is affecting his spinal fluid and brain. Then the words that we all knew would come some day, but never thought it would be this soon - it's the end. No more interventions are recommended, his disease is too advanced.

Mark was discharged home today with hospice. We were told he may have days or possibly a couple of weeks left with us.

Heartbreaking. My eyes are swelled with tears typing this. Even when you know death is the likely outcome, it is still so incredibly difficult to accept. You hope to be the miracle, the one who doesn't become a statistic. And you're shattered to the core when you become it. We've learned this lesson the hard way too many times this year.

Heartbreaking to know that we are losing such an incredible man. Heartbreaking to watch the faces of the ones who love him in agony. There were times yesterday and today that I lost it just looking into Brad's mom Shirley's eyes. Her and Mark's love is like no other I've ever seen. They are each others' best friend in every sense of the word. I fear she will be lost without him.

We have been blessed with many good moments these past couple of days. Today, Mark had several stretches of alertness. He has been surrounded by family and friends who are talking with him about the past, recalling stories and memories. You can see the delight on Mark's face to be hearing and participating in the discussions. And I've even caught him "secretly" smiling at times when no one thinks he is listening or that he's sleeping. I can tell he is soaking in more than we know. The other blessing is that he is in very little to no pain. It is being very well controlled. Such a relief to know he is comfortable.

Brad and I stopped by the cemetery to see Grace last night after leaving Mary Free Bed. We visit every day, usually in the evening to read her a bedtime story and to water her flowers and grass (she has one of the most well kept "homes" in the whole cemetery, thanks to her meticulous father). Our visit yesterday felt different to me. I told her that her grandpa would be with her soon. That she could show him around heaven when he gets there. While we were sitting with her, I had this incredible sense of calm come over me. It was as though she was there telling me it would all be okay. And I couldn't help but think how lucky she is that she will have him there with her. She won't be alone. Her grandpa will be there for her - to hold her, love her, teach her. It's not the way we planned or, frankly, the way we want it to be...but it is, none-the-less, comforting to some degree.

I think Grace will be Mark's guardian angel these next very trying days. She will be with him telling him not to be scared. She will show him how wonderful and peaceful eternal life is. And he will fit right in. Everyone loves Mark. I can only imagine how popular he will be in heaven!