Fun Things Are Still Happening

Even with all of the sadness and heartache, we're finding happy moments, too. In fact, the highlight of the week? DATE NIGHT!

So, Brad and I have not been on an "official" date in forever. In fact, I think the last thing that really counted as a date was our weekend get-away to the Bahamas late January. Our world was rocked after that, and dates took on a whole new meaning. All of the sudden, the only time we were getting a babysitter was so that we could go to doctor appointments (there were lots of them). And then in the hospital on Friday nights, my parents would take Gavin so that Brad and I could have a "date". It was nice, and something I looked forward to each slowly passing week. But come on, a date in the hospital? We made the best of it - dinner brought in most of the time and we made it through several of the Oscar nominated movies (King's Speech was by far our fave).

Then after Grace was born and passed away, we'd get a babysitter to watch Gavin so the two of us could go to meetings with the funeral home or cemetery. And then to attend the support group at Spectrum. Yes, we might grab dinner before the group meeting, but this was far from a real date.

Initially, I had mixed feelings about our plans for our night out on Friday. We went to dinner and then the Keith Urban concert. Keith is my absolute favorite. Mainly because of his music, but he's quite handsome as well :) And Brad really likes his music, too, given he rocks it out on the guitar (not just your typical country artist). We've seen him in concert now four times.

So, why the mixed feelings? Well, tickets went on sale in February. Arg, February. A month filled with so many ups and downs and unknowns. A month (and those to follow) focused on making the most challenging decisions we've ever faced. How could I even think about going to a concert? To top it off, the concert (July 22) was just two days after our due date for Grace. There would be no way we'd be able to go if by some chance I carried to term. And even if I didn't carry to term, and if Grace lived, we'd have a newborn who would need lots of attention given the great possibility that she wouldn't be healthy. So, the concert was an absolute no.

In June, in an effort to try to resume some normal activities, we heavily debated buying tickets (surprisingly, they were still available). I struggle with a lot of guilt still. Guilt that I shouldn't be doing certain things, like fun things, because "if I'd had a normal pregnancy, I'd still be pregnant and I wouldn't be able to do these things" or "I'd have a newborn who I'd be caring for". So, things like going to a concert, or out for a glass of wine with girlfriends, or starting to train for my next big race (I'm aiming to run the Grand Rapids half marathon in October - more on that later) - these things would not be possible if things had turned out the way that we dreamed. If Grace had lived. I shouldn't be doing them.

Well, we took a leap of faith and bought the tickets. I'm glad that we did. We had an awesome night out. But I'd trade it all - and then some - if we just had our Gracie with us. It's a struggle to deal with these guilty feelings.

But, we really can still have fun. And it is documented in this photo...


We've done other things the past weeks that have brought great joy. I think that both Grace and Mark would want us to be doing things as a family. Though our family is two very important people short. Mixed feelings about all of these fun times, but again, I'm overall glad that we stepped out of our cocoon to enjoy them. So, here's a run down...

Gavin's first baseball game at the Whitecaps.

Bath time, which is always great fun...

Picking (and clearly eating) strawberries in June...

Playing in the mud after a massive, but short-lived downpour...

Going to the cottage. This was difficult and so strange without Mark there. We had the pontoon fixed and it was just so weird to have Brad driving it instead of Mark. It makes my eyes tear up just to think about it. But I do really think that this is what Mark would want. He'd want us to be at a place that he so enjoyed...


Brad enjoying the last Sam Adams from the fridge at the cottage. Cheers Mark!

Shirley and the girls - I think this photo is so ADORABLE. Lexi found Grandpa's MSU hat and it looks just perfect on her!


Swimming at MaeMe and BaPa's...

And this photo makes me smile, so I'll include in my post. Last month, Gavin and I were coloring and I asked him if he would like to color the wheels on the firetruck. So, he drew these cute little singular lines that start on the wheel and travel down the page. He did this to every truck in the coloring book (20+ pages). This is his two year old interpretation of coloring the wheels. I like it!

So, overall, several good moments. And some difficult as well. This week was my due date - July 20. I wasn't sure what to expect going into it, but knew that it would probably be difficult. It was. I couldn't get Grace off of my mind all day. I suppose that's not a bad thing. But it creates a lasting lump-in-my-throat-tears-in-my-eyes kind of feeling. I read a helpful poem lately. I've read lots of them lately (many supplied by you, my blog followers). The gist of this particular poem is that anytime you have this feeling, it is your angel hugging you tightly around the neck. So, I like to think that I'm getting lots of hugs from my Grace lately. And it helps me to deal with the emotions. I just wish I could hug her back. Some day I suppose. For now, I'm sure she's getting lots of hugs in heaven.