Monday, December 10: Secret Post
I can't believe I'm finally typing this, and it is with complete mixed emotions. We're pregnant! It's a complete leap of faith, a complete trusting-in-God experience, and done out of complete love and a feeling of "it's the right thing to do".
We are keeping faith that the path God chooses for this child will be very different than Grace's. But we're guarded, very guarded and almost expecting bad news at each next appointment (or in between). First, it was passing the five week point, the point where we miscarried in July. Now, it feels like passing weeks 15-16 will be a milestone (right before Christmas), the point in our pregnancy with Grace that our entire world was turned upside down.
I'm almost 14 weeks along, have had about four doctor's appoints and ultrasounds already. We had our first visit at the MFM office last week. And every appointment thus far has been perfect, aside from our severe anxiety at each visit. I'm taking a handful of medication, mainly as a precaution for what could be some freakish, unknown clotting disorder. Clearly, I've not tested positive for any of these conditions, but our MFM specialist thinks there is a small possibility similar symptoms to these conditions could have been the cause of my crappy placenta with Grace. It giveths and it takeths away, that vital organ.
At our appointment at the MFM office last week, the very experienced ultrasound tech asked if we were interested in knowing gender for our little one. We said yes, but isn't it too soon to know? Apparently not. She reassured that she wouldn't share if she wasn't very confident. So, how could we resist! We didn't find out with Gavin, had no intentions to initially with Grace, but given the circumstances, just needed to know ahead of time. And now it feels like we must know, again to brace ourselves for the raw emotions either way.
So, without further ado...IT'S ANOTHER......G-I-R-L! We're thrilled (either way)!
Wow, another girl. Another sister for Gavin and a first sister for bigger sister Angel Grace. One of my initial thoughts was that people would think that because we're having another girl (who hopefully will live) means that we can forget about Grace. Like our newest daughter will be a replacement. I hope no one thinks these tragic thoughts. It couldn't be farther from our true feelings. Grace is the cream in our Oreo who will forever be missing.
We're very guarded, maybe too much. We don't talk much yet about visions of our family with another living child. Seems like the phrase "if we're fortunate and blessed enough to have a living baby...(fill in the blank)" Normal people don't even have this thought. It is an automatic that their children will be born alive. They plan from early on for a living child. We don't. We brace ourselves for the worst, just waiting for the bad news. We likely won't be taking anything "baby" out of storage until she is here and living and coming home from the hospital with us. Tangent, but I often think of what it would have been like to bring Grace home. Instead I left the hospital with a water bottle with the hospital's logo on it. I still use it for water and EVERY time I fill that thing up, I think, "oh, my runner's up gift that came home with me after five hard weeks in the hospital. No baby, but a water bottle." Empty arms. And to think they could be empty again.
I think some people must think "why would they put themselves through that again, why wouldn't they just be happy they have one living child and give up on more". I can't, I just can't. Our family is not complete. And it's incompleteness is not just because Grace died. Even had she lived, I don't think it would be complete. I suppose I can't say for sure, because that dream is not my reality. I think not trying for more children would have been more painful than the possible loss that comes along with the risks of pregnancy and loss. I am a person of faith, and I choose to let it guide me. I choose not to live in fear, which may be the more conservative, easy approach for some.
So, as you can imagine, we're also very guarded about sharing our news. We've shared just with close family. I think we'll keep it very quiet for as long as we can...obviously, it will be physically obvious at some point near in the future. Maybe people will just think I'm packing on some extra holiday weight? I suppose that may be true too!
We haven't even told Gavin yet, though I think he is starting to know something is going on with mommy's belly. I'm showing much sooner than with either Gavin or Grace. I'm sure he's wondering why I'm getting bigger. But I'm just not prepared to share with him yet, to open him to all of the vulnerability that goes with this news. To him, sisters live in heaven. How do we explain that we don't think this sister will go to heaven, but yet we're not sure? It makes me tear up to even think of the sadness we could cause him again. Again, people will say, why have more children if it causes such pain for your son? Well, I can tell you that he knows more about life and death than most three year olds and has a greater appreciation for heaven and cemeteries and respecting the dead than most kids way older than him. It's not all been a bad thing. I think we're building great empathy in our little Gavin. And we have very open and honest conversations with him about what happened with Grace. Many parents shelter their kids from death, making their lives seem like roses and fairy tales all of time. That is not reality, at least in our household.
So, it feels good to type this, even if it won't be posted for months or maybe ever at all. We'll see. One day at a time, one appointment at a time. Each day that I remain pregnant is a good one - I do love being pregnant, nausea and vomiting and all (I've had lots of this with this pregnancy, but wouldn't change it for anything).
And here are some very beautiful photos of our newest little life...it never gets old to see these beautiful little lives!
0 comments:
Post a Comment