Letting Our Guard Down

Secret post (five, I believe), March 10, 2013:

Week 26 and a half with our third little one - the past few weeks can best be summed up by saying our guard is being let down a little more with each passing week.  And it feels lovely, liberating, freeing, fun, normal, and just great.  I didn't think I'd reach this point.  I really thought I'd span this entire pregnancy feeling every bit as nervous, anxious, and guarded as I did in the weeks leading up to now.  But with each passing week and each passing "normal" OB appointment, it feels awesome to celebrate a healthy growing little girl.  Now, don't get me wrong, we're still guarded...just not as guarded.

I've even begun to let myself plan for bringing home a baby.  You have no idea what it means to me to be able to type these words.  Two years ago, a year ago, six months ago, three months ago - I never would have thought such a thing.  But here I am - I just bought some baby"stuff" on Target.com, new nursing attire on Amazon, and replied that I'll be attending a friend's open house for her little girl hair accessory business.  Things I would have thought impossible.

And it feels great to be doing these things.  I still have a plan, though, for the worst.  All packages delivered or purchased for baby will remain in one location in our house.  If something bad happens and we end up not bringing a baby home, all said items will be quickly whisked away and donated, out of sight with no further mention that I actually let myself believe we could bring her home.  The immense pain of even thinking of little girl clothing, hair bows, nursing...I have been haunted by these very things for two years now.  I've taught myself to put blinders on when shopping - avoid the little girls clothing stores or sections within a store.  Don't look, it hurts too deeply.  I haven't stepped foot in one of the "big box" baby stores. Baby showers or baby gifts - just get a gift card at Target or pitch in to buy with someone else who will pick out the gift.  Avoid looking at baby registries.  None of it, I just couldn't.

Now, I'm not going crazy with preparation.  We won't decorate a nursery, we won't get out the crib, we'll plan for the very necessities (and a few fun indulgences).  The rest will come later.  Stick to the practical - feeding, diapering, bathing, a few newborn outfits and blankets - the necessities of a newborn.

Funny how I look back on my preparation for having Gavin.  All of the "things" you think you need right away.  He could have cared less about a cutely designed nursery - he didn't sleep in it for his first two months of life, what was the hurry to get it ready?  But my perspective was very different then.  Babies didn't die, they lived.  They were healthy, they came home.  There was no "runners up" purple water bottle from the hospital.  Infant death, what's that?

Honestly, I wish I still had that carefree perspective, but I don't.  It's not my reality.  My awkward reality is answering at least 10 times a day "oh, is this your first baby?" with "no, it's my third." and trying to keep the details to myself. But many go on to say "Your third?  You're an expert.  How old are your children?"  heart sinks, "My living child, Gavin, just turned four last month.  And I have a daughter, Grace, who passed away shortly after she was born almost two years ago."  From here, the reactions are varied.  I don't apologize for making people feel awkward if that is their reaction - I used to do this sometimes.  But I don't any more.

So, as far as pregnancy news goes, all is well with baby girl.  We're by no means "in the clear" yet, I still fully understand and appreciate that.  I'm on an every two week schedule with the MFM specialist and still every four weeks with my OB office.  It's a lot of appointments, but it helps to continue to ease our anxiety with each wonderful ultrasound and appointment.  At 24 weeks, they began to measure my amniotic fluid (aside from the "eyeball method" up until 24 weeks).  It is just where it needs to be around 15-16.  And my placenta and amniotic sac are beautiful - that vital organ, how I appreciate the work you do every day!  I've continued my daily med routine of an intermediate dose of a blood thinner injected twice daily as well as low-dose aspirin, folic acid and a prenatal vitamin.  That's four medications, yowsers!  I'm one of "those" patients I spend a lot of time at work thinking about.

Baby girl is quite the mover.  Over the past weeks, each week brings more and more activity. I think this helps with my ability to let my guard down a bit.  To have those reassuring feelings of movement is a mind-easer.

Here are some photos of me about a week ago.  The first one, you can see Gavin showing off "Melon Baby" - as he calls his sister - quite delighted.  And the second two I include not be redundant, but to showcase Gavin's photography skills.  He's very into using our nice camera lately and I thought these two photos turned out pretty good, so they make the blog.  Brad doesn't like the one with him in it.  I do.  He was joking that he looks like his dad in it.  Not that that's a bad thing by any means.  It's just a classic Mark face and stance, that's all.  A little stoic.  I like it.  I also think the expression on my face captures this new-found freedom from being completely guarded.  I also like that.