Secret Posts

So, this is the first in what I envision will be a series of posts that I write out...but that I don't post for months to come, or maybe ever, we'll see. I find writing to be such a release, but I also find that I don't want to share every intimate detail of my life with everyone at this very moment in time.

Today is Thursday, March 14, 2012.

I'm the mother of two children, one living and one waiting for me in heaven. This past year has been the most challenging of my life. I still struggle daily with sadness and deep sorrow in the loss of my daughter. I place a smile on my face each and every day and do my best to face the day with a clear head, striving for comfort and peace of mind. I achieve it for many moments of the day, but continue to be haunted by the "what ifs"...even though many look at me and maybe "forget" what I've been through or assume I'm over it. Or maybe they think I'm not over it but should be. I don't know.

I've been having kind of a tough week. Last week Thursday, Brad and I had an appointment with the MFM specialist who cared for me and Grace during my pregnancy. It's been nine months since Grace was born and passed. We scheduled the appointment a couple of months ago, thinking it would bring good clarity to follow-up with Dr. B - for a few reasons. But the main reason is our desire to continue growing our family...a thought that is so very fogged and dampened with everything we experienced with Grace. How could we even be thinking of putting ourselves through that again? Would things be different, or would we be setting ourselves up for another massive heart break?

Up to this point, Dr. B as well as our team of OBs have told us that their best "guess" at what happened with Grace is that it was random. We were told after delivering Grace that we needed to wait a minimum of 9 months before conceiving again, if that is what we decided we wanted to do. At the time, having another child was far from my mind, given the innocence of carrying and having a baby (what normally is such a joyous event) was striped completely. No longer would pregnancy ever seem innocent and simple. Now, it is very complex, out of my control, and brings such sorrow in the end.

But I knew deep down that I always wanted a family of children. I suppose I used to see myself with at least two or three...but lately I dream of a large family. A family in which God takes the lead in deciding. I know I'm not in control of the outcome, so I've come to a realization that maybe I should just let him plan it. I also have guilty feelings that maybe we shouldn't have any more children, that we're being disgraceful to Grace. Moving on. But really, we're not. Grace will always be my daughter, I will always love her. Just like I would if she were living and we (or really God) decided we would have more children. It still does feel, though, like we aren't honoring her in this decision. Others might think she can be replaced - or that "you're young, you'll have more children". What a tragic thing to say! As though having more children somehow erases Grace - that it takes her place. NEVER!

Our appointment with Dr. B brought slightly different news that for some reason I'm taking very hard...and really much too difficultly. We've been told we need to wait at least another three months before conceiving. Hearing this just at the same time that we're finally feeling ready to possibly take a leap of faith is difficult. But I suppose it's not the end of the world. We were also sent for a few additional labs to rule out an antiphospholipid abonormality - something that I thought we had already confirmed. And then even if these tests come back negative, Dr. B is recommending that if we do conceive again, I should be treated as though I possibly have this condition, meaning daily low dose aspirin combined with twice daily injections of low molecular weight heparin. I guess this news surprised me, as I was thinking that what happened with Grace was a complete random thing - that it would never happen again. By Dr. B suggesting all of these precautions, on one hand it makes me feel reassured that we're doing every single thing we can to prevent it if it can be; but on the other hand, it means that maybe this wasn't totally random. That maybe I caused this with some crazy, unidentified deficiency for which I didn't even know I had. Out of my hands...I don't like that but I need to learn to live with it. I need to learn to "let go and let God" as my Dad would say.

So, this is the place I'm in right now. A strong desire to have more children - I don't feel "done" - coupled with the complexity of what's to come and all of these mixed feelings that Grace will think we're moving on. That we've forgotten her beautiful little face...and toes, fingers, sweet wavy hair. I wish she were here. I wish she was 9 months old on earth and that we were discussing adding to our family in a more carefree nature. The way other families get to feel. We're not them. They are the lucky ones I suppose. The ones who have no idea how good they have it. We're surrounded by them, smothered by them to some degree. That's been a bit of a challenge lately as well. The desire to be purely and truly happy and excited for our friends and family who are growing their families, all the while struggling with our emotions. Our phase of life includes daily news, it seems, of others who are filling their homes with little ones. And here we are with such an unknown future. A daughter who is buried in the ground and will never grow older with our friends' little girls who are the same age. All of these "one year" birthday parties, while we plan what we'll do to memorialize our daughter on her approaching birthday. A birthday that few will remember.

Well, that's how I'm feeling on March 14, 2012. I sit here with a lump in my throat as I think of my daughter and any future children who allude me for now. And tomorrow, I'll place that smile back on my face...never really feeling 100% that it displays where I am in this journey.