Being Honest

Secret post #2, August 15, 2012:

As much as I love life most of the time, I must be honest with myself.  Sometimes, more lately for whatever reason, I'm resentful, angry and bitter.  There I said it.

I didn't think at the time it would bother me so much, but I think the compilation of "happy" people around me is making me want to vomit.  Why is that God decides one mom doesn't get to keep her baby while everyone around her gets to.  Not that I want anyone's baby to die.  I just want mine back.  Or just want another to be around the corner.  God decided last month again that it's just not my time.  Frustrating to see those two lines and then so quickly your dreams are flushed down the toilet.  And they were such planned, well thought out, leap of faith, uncertain dreams with a very uncertain ending that I don't take for granted.  It really bothers me and brings up intense thoughts of what the Clark family could look like, if only my body and God decided for a different ending.  I'm already resentful that we've had to wait this long and put so much thought into what many just do and don't think twice about.  I've modified my life in the most odd ways - I ran when I was pregnant with Gavin and Grace, until of course the bad news.  Maybe not running would create a different outcome.  It didn't, so I'm back to running more regularly and I'm going to stop being something that I'm not.

I'm sick of pregnant women, I'm sick of babies, I'm sick of being the one who stands there on the verge of tears every time another happy birth story is replayed, or another complaint is heard about how tired you are from being up all night feeding your baby.  Really?  Have you tried insomnia lately?  Grieving awful insomnia.  I don't feel bad for you.  Not one bit.  But I don't say anything because if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  Silence is best.

So, in order to be honest on this blog, I thought I'd get that off my chest.  And document this time when I take such joy most of the time...but then have my moments when anger and resentment consume me.  And now I will put this behind me for the moment and post something happy.  Maybe about swim lessons.